03-07 | The Voynich Manuscript: Secrets, Sudoku, and Satanic Herbs

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[Verse 1]
It’s sitting in a vault at Yale, just staring at the wall.
Two hundred forty pages, driving madness to us all!
They carbon-dated all the vellum back to fourteen-four,
A massive herd of calves had died to settle up the score!
Wilfrid Voynich found it in a Jesuit retreat,
And ever since that fateful day, we've suffered pure defeat!

[Chorus]
(Loud, boisterous tavern-choir harmonies, foot-stomping)
Oh, the Voynich Manuscript is laughing in our face!
The greatest unsolved mystery of the human race!
It’s got Satanic little herbs and plants that don't exist,
And naked women taking baths inside a plumbing cyst!
Heave ho! We don't know what the gibberish could mean!
The grandest six-hundred-year-old troll the world has ever seen!

[Verse 2]
Now William Friedman and the NSA, they tried to break the code!
They beat the World War Enigma, but this book was a heavy load!
It follows Zipf’s Law perfectly, a mathematical delight,
But thirty years of studying just ended in a fright!
The zodiac is crazy, Sagittarius shoots a bow,
And fold-out maps with castles and a big volcano glow!

[Instrumental Break]
(Blistering, hyper-speed accordion and fiddle duel)
(Occasional sound of a cow mooing)

[Verse 3]
(Music slows down to a sneaky, tip-toeing rhythm)
Was it John Dee and a con-man who was missing both his ears?
Did they use a Cardan Grille to fake the syllables and gears?
Emperor Rudolf paid six hundred golden ducats for the scam!
Now academics try to solve an ancient anagram!
You can digitize the cow skin, you can test the frequency,
But you’ll never find the answer to this bathtub history!

[Chorus]
(Maximum energy, full band crash, double-time tempo)
Oh, the Voynich Manuscript is laughing in our face!
The greatest unsolved mystery of the human race!
It’s got Satanic little herbs and plants that don't exist,
And naked women taking baths inside a plumbing cyst!
Heave ho! We don't know what the gibberish could mean!
The grandest six-hundred-year-old troll the world has ever seen!

[Outro]
(Music suddenly drops out, a cappella four-part harmony)
So if you write a thesis on this cryptologic pain...
(Solo voice)You'll probably just end up with a very tired brain!

[End]

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[Intro] (Fast, chaotic strumming on a medieval lute mixed with an upbeat accordion) (Sound of a heavy, dusty book slamming onto a wooden table) "Gather 'round, ye academics, cryptologists, and fools!" "We've got a 15th-century book that breaks all of the rules! " [Verse 1] It’s sitting in a vault at Yale, just staring at the wall. Two hundred forty pages, driving madness to us all! They carbon-dated all the vellum back to fourteen-four, A massive herd of calves had died to settle up the score! Wilfrid Voynich found it in a Jesuit retreat, And ever since that fateful day, we've suffered pure defeat! [Chorus] (Loud, boisterous tavern-choir harmonies, foot-stomping) Oh, the Voynich Manuscript is laughing in our face! The greatest unsolved mystery of the human race! It’s got Satanic little herbs and plants that don't exist, And naked women taking baths inside a plumbing cyst! Heave ho! We don't know what the gibberish could mean! The grandest six-hundred-year-old troll the world has ever seen! [Verse 2] Now William Friedman and the NSA, they tried to break the code! They beat the World War Enigma, but this book was a heavy load! It follows Zipf’s Law perfectly, a mathematical delight, But thirty years of studying just ended in a fright! The zodiac is crazy, Sagittarius shoots a bow, And fold-out maps with castles and a big volcano glow! [Instrumental Break] (Blistering, hyper-speed accordion and fiddle duel) (Occasional sound of a cow mooing) [Verse 3] (Music slows down to a sneaky, tip-toeing rhythm) Was it John Dee and a con-man who was missing both his ears? Did they use a Cardan Grille to fake the syllables and gears? Emperor Rudolf paid six hundred golden ducats for the scam! Now academics try to solve an ancient anagram! You can digitize the cow skin, you can test the frequency, But you’ll never find the answer to this bathtub history! [Chorus] (Maximum energy, full band crash, double-time tempo) Oh, the Voynich Manuscript is laughing in our face! The greatest unsolved mystery of the human race! It’s got Satanic little herbs and plants that don't exist, And naked women taking baths inside a plumbing cyst! Heave ho! We don't know what the gibberish could mean! The grandest six-hundred-year-old troll the world has ever seen! [Outro] (Music suddenly drops out, a cappella four-part harmony) So if you write a thesis on this cryptologic pain... (Solo voice)You'll probably just end up with a very tired brain! [End]

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