Sober Nights

comedy, female duo, duo acoustic guitar, crowd, live, ukulele, tiki drums, backup chanting, clapping

[Spoken Intro]
This is a drinking song… for the only people not drinking.
For the lawful good knights and shiny paladins on permanent sobriety duty.
They slay evil while we slay brain cells.

[Verse 1 – sung, short]
PIP:
We roll back in with bloody boots and backpacks full of gold
Kick the tavern door wide open, telling stories best untold
The wizard’s already sideways, the rogue’s on someone’s lap
In the corner stands our paladin
Holding all our crap

[Chorus – sung, short]
BOTH:
Here’s to the sober knights, halos made of steel
We make the mess, they make it home, that’s the whole deal
We drink like we’ve forgotten what “consequence” means
They’re the ones who drag us out of all our own scenes
You know that moment when the barbarian challenges the chandelier to a duel?
And the cleric says, “Let’s see how the gods feel about this”?
That’s when the paladin quietly moves the breakables
and starts doing paperwork in their head.
PIP (Lead female):
Lawful good means your alignment is “Designated Adult.”
Sir Dan’s in plate and polish, sipping water, counting heads
We’re stacking empty tankards up like unstable siege works instead
We sign songs on napkins, we sign contracts with a smear
Sir Dan just adds the real name
In legible handwriting, here

[Chorus – sung, short]
BOTH:
Here’s to the sober knights, guardians of the crew
We shout “another round!” and they shout “no, not you”
We’re legends made of spilled-out ale and terrible choices
They’re the reason “next session” still has all the same voices
Speaking of doomed responsibility… Sir Dan, everyone!
SIR DAN (male) (deadpan):
I would bow, but then one of you will use me as a coat rack.
What’s in the goblet, Sir Dan? Holy brew? Sacred stout?
Water. With a wedge of lemon.
I took a vow of clarity.
And what heroic quest are you on tonight?
Prevent you from casting “Fireball” indoors again.
And keep the paladin from smiting the dance floor for “licentious grinding.”

[Beat drops – magical scratch FX, chopped crowd samples: “SO-BER! KNIGHTS! SO-BER! KNIGHTS!”]
PIP (half-spoken over beat):
Knight in full plate at the bar, drinkin’ clear
Whole squad sideways, he’s still in gear
If we live through this, it’s not by luck
It’s ‘cause our lawful good tank won’t let us get stuck
DJ Held’em on the stones, spinning runes and light
Paladin on patrol, designated knight
Sir Dan, be honest. Do you enjoy sobriety duty?
I have advantage on Constitution saves.
Someone has to remember
SIR DAN (male):
Of course.
Otherwise tomorrow you lot will insist
you “definitely didn’t buy a pet ooze.”
SIR DAN (male):
Check your backpack.
They’re the ones who see the traps when the tavern’s not the dungeon
Stop the wizard’s “social experiments” by pure righteous injunction
When the party yells “We’re fine!” and clearly isn’t right
There’s a holy symbol in the doorway
That says, “You’re going home tonight.”

[Final Chorus – sung, short]
BOTH:
Here’s to the sober knights, guarding every round
We try to loot the furniture, they keep us spellbound
We chase the thrill and chase the pour, ignore the warning lights
We wake up broke but breathing
Thanks to lawful, sober knights
Alright, Sir Dan, good news.
By the authority of the Halfling Code of Questionable Logic…
HALFLING RULE SIXTY-FOUR!
“During THIS song, and ONLY this song…
Toasts don’t count as drinking.”
You heard her. Completely spiritually legal.
SIR DAN (male):
This is not how vows work.
PIP (Lead female):
Too late. It rhymed. It’s binding.

[Toasts – shouted / half-sung]

CROWD:
TO THE SOBER KNIGHTS!

BOTH:
To the paladins’ patience!

CROWD:
TO THEIR PATIENCE!

BOTH:
TO POTATOES!

CROWD:
To bacon that's really dark and crispy and melts in your mouth like cotton candy.

BOTH:
To the loot that actually makes it home
Because somebody red the receipts!

CROWD:
TO THE RECEIPTS!

BOTH (sung, big):
To every shining shield that laughs and lets us roam
To every lawful good who hauls our drunk butts home

[Tag – spoken]

SIR DAN (male):
Next time, someone else is on sobriety duty.

PIP:
We’ll drink to that!

4037/7500

[Spoken Intro] This is a drinking song… for the only people not drinking. For the lawful good knights and shiny paladins on permanent sobriety duty. They slay evil while we slay brain cells. [Verse 1 – sung, short] PIP: We roll back in with bloody boots and backpacks full of gold Kick the tavern door wide open, telling stories best untold The wizard’s already sideways, the rogue’s on someone’s lap In the corner stands our paladin Holding all our crap [Chorus – sung, short] BOTH: Here’s to the sober knights, halos made of steel We make the mess, they make it home, that’s the whole deal We drink like we’ve forgotten what “consequence” means They’re the ones who drag us out of all our own scenes You know that moment when the barbarian challenges the chandelier to a duel? And the cleric says, “Let’s see how the gods feel about this”? That’s when the paladin quietly moves the breakables and starts doing paperwork in their head. PIP (Lead female): Lawful good means your alignment is “Designated Adult.” Sir Dan’s in plate and polish, sipping water, counting heads We’re stacking empty tankards up like unstable siege works instead We sign songs on napkins, we sign contracts with a smear Sir Dan just adds the real name In legible handwriting, here [Chorus – sung, short] BOTH: Here’s to the sober knights, guardians of the crew We shout “another round!” and they shout “no, not you” We’re legends made of spilled-out ale and terrible choices They’re the reason “next session” still has all the same voices Speaking of doomed responsibility… Sir Dan, everyone! SIR DAN (male) (deadpan): I would bow, but then one of you will use me as a coat rack. What’s in the goblet, Sir Dan? Holy brew? Sacred stout? Water. With a wedge of lemon. I took a vow of clarity. And what heroic quest are you on tonight? Prevent you from casting “Fireball” indoors again. And keep the paladin from smiting the dance floor for “licentious grinding.” [Beat drops – magical scratch FX, chopped crowd samples: “SO-BER! KNIGHTS! SO-BER! KNIGHTS!”] PIP (half-spoken over beat): Knight in full plate at the bar, drinkin’ clear Whole squad sideways, he’s still in gear If we live through this, it’s not by luck It’s ‘cause our lawful good tank won’t let us get stuck DJ Held’em on the stones, spinning runes and light Paladin on patrol, designated knight Sir Dan, be honest. Do you enjoy sobriety duty? I have advantage on Constitution saves. Someone has to remember SIR DAN (male): Of course. Otherwise tomorrow you lot will insist you “definitely didn’t buy a pet ooze.” SIR DAN (male): Check your backpack. They’re the ones who see the traps when the tavern’s not the dungeon Stop the wizard’s “social experiments” by pure righteous injunction When the party yells “We’re fine!” and clearly isn’t right There’s a holy symbol in the doorway That says, “You’re going home tonight.” [Final Chorus – sung, short] BOTH: Here’s to the sober knights, guarding every round We try to loot the furniture, they keep us spellbound We chase the thrill and chase the pour, ignore the warning lights We wake up broke but breathing Thanks to lawful, sober knights Alright, Sir Dan, good news. By the authority of the Halfling Code of Questionable Logic… HALFLING RULE SIXTY-FOUR! “During THIS song, and ONLY this song… Toasts don’t count as drinking.” You heard her. Completely spiritually legal. SIR DAN (male): This is not how vows work. PIP (Lead female): Too late. It rhymed. It’s binding. [Toasts – shouted / half-sung] CROWD: TO THE SOBER KNIGHTS! BOTH: To the paladins’ patience! CROWD: TO THEIR PATIENCE! BOTH: TO POTATOES! CROWD: To bacon that's really dark and crispy and melts in your mouth like cotton candy. BOTH: To the loot that actually makes it home Because somebody red the receipts! CROWD: TO THE RECEIPTS! BOTH (sung, big): To every shining shield that laughs and lets us roam To every lawful good who hauls our drunk butts home [Tag – spoken] SIR DAN (male): Next time, someone else is on sobriety duty. PIP: We’ll drink to that!

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