[Verse 1] Six minutes on the treadmill, feeling pretty sound, Then I notice both my shoelaces dragging on the ground. I bend down like a normal man, confident and brave, Then my hands turn into octopuses nobody can save. I had ten fingers seconds ago, Now there’s twenty-seven in the show. Thumb’s gone missing, index quit, Who assembled these hands? They’ve done a shit job of it. [Chorus] 🎵 My fingers are on backwards, My laces won’t behave, I only tried to tie my shoes, Not defuse a hand grenade. Loop it, swoop it, pull it tight, Why’s the bastard loose again? My legs survived the treadmill, But I’ve forgotten how to hand. 🎵 [Verse 2] Middle of a nice long walk, everything’s going fine, Then one lace makes a break for freedom somewhere around mile nine. I crouch down with determination, This should take ten seconds flat, Three minutes later I’m negotiating With a knot that’s fighting back. Left hand says, “I’ve got the loop!” Right hand says, “Mate, absolutely not.” Brain sends down the instructions, Hands receive: ERROR 404: KNOT. [Chorus] 🎵 My fingers are on backwards, There’s fourteen on each hand, One of them belongs to someone else, And none obey command. Loop it, swoop it, pull it tight, Try the rabbit round the tree, The rabbit’s had enough of this And frankly so have me. 🎵 [Bridge] Velcro’s looking sexy now, Slip-ons looking grand, Elastic laces whisper softly: “Mate... you don’t need hands.” [Final Chorus] 🎵 My fingers are on backwards, My shoelace hit the floor, I tied the bloody thing once, I’m not doing it anymore. Six minutes on the treadmill, I conquered cardio again, Then got absolutely humbled By two bits of string at the end. 🎵 [Outro] My legs: “We did it!” My brain: “Outstanding!” My hands: “WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?”
