[INTRO — HOLD MUSIC] [TECH] Thank you for calling support. Have you tried turning yourself off and on again? [ME] Yeah. I slept eight hours. [TECH] Did that resolve the issue? [ME] No. Now I'm tired horizontally. [VERSE 1] [TECH] I'm showing low memory and multiple background processes. [ME] How many? [TECH] One hundred forty-seven. [ME] I got one application open. [TECH] Yes. [ME] That's concerning. [TECH] Let's clear your cache. [ME] I forgot half my childhood. Does that count? [TECH] No. [ME] Worth a shot. [TECH] We should close unnecessary processes. [ME] Which ones? [TECH] Worry. Regret. Hypothetical conversations. "Argument from 2017 — alternate ending six." [ME] Don't fucking touch that. [HOOK] TURN ME OFF TURN ME ON AGAIN SAME OLD LIGHTS SAME NOISE IN MY HEAD PULL THE PLUG COUNT TO TEN BOOT ME BACK UP— HERE WE FUCKING GO AGAIN Turn me off Turn me on again If that don't work Try it again [VERSE 2] [TECH] When did you first notice the issue? [ME] Tuesday. [TECH] Which Tuesday? [ME] Exactly. [TECH] Do you experience overheating? [ME] Only when I'm awake. [TECH] Unexpected shutdown? [ME] Sometimes I sit down for five minutes and wake up two hours later. [TECH] When was the last time the system operated normally? [ME] Define normally. [TECH] Without excessive heat, poor performance, or unexpected shutdown. [ME] ... Why the fuck are you asking it like that? [TECH] Do you feel the system is under excessive load? [ME] Wait. Is this tech support or therapy? [TECH] I'm not qualified to answer that. [ME] FOR WHICH ONE?! [HOOK] TURN ME OFF TURN ME ON AGAIN SAME OLD LIGHTS SAME NOISE IN MY HEAD PULL THE PLUG COUNT TO TEN BOOT ME BACK UP— HERE WE FUCKING GO AGAIN Clear the cache Close the tabs Run diagnostics Call me back Same damn error. Different day. [VERSE 3] [TECH] You may need to reduce your workload. [ME] Can't. [TECH] Why? [ME] System won't let me. [TECH] You are the system administrator. [ME] ... [TECH] Sir? [ME] I liked you better when you told me to unplug shit. [TECH] You've exceeded recommended operating hours. [ME] Recommended by who? [TECH] Manufacturer. [ME] Who's the manufacturer? [TECH] That information is unavailable. [ME] Convenient. [TECH] Do you regularly enter sleep mode? [ME] Yeah. [TECH] Proper sleep mode. [ME] Oh. No. [TECH] When the system slows down, what do you normally do? [ME] Push harder. [TECH] And when that fails? [ME] Push harder... louder. [TECH] How long have you been running like this? [ME] I don't know. Think I just got used to running hot. [BREAK] [TECH] I'm running a diagnostic. Please remain still. [ME] For how long? [TECH] Thirty seconds. [ME] Absolutely not. ... How long's it been? [TECH] Four seconds. [ME] Jesus Christ. [TECH] Please stop opening applications. [ME] I'm not. [TECH] You just opened three. [ME] Those are thoughts. [TECH] The system does not distinguish. [ME] That's a terrible design. [TECH] I'm beginning to agree. [FINAL VERSE] [TECH] Diagnostic complete. [ME] Give it to me. [TECH] Processor functional. Memory functional. Core systems functional. [ME] So what's broken? [TECH] Nothing appears to be broken. [ME] Then why am I running like shit? [TECH] Because you've been running continuously. ... [ME] That's it? [TECH] Systems require idle time. [ME] I have idle time. [TECH] You spend it thinking about work. [ME] That's still sitting down. [TECH] That is not what idle means. [ME] ... Okay. What do I do? [TECH] For now? Stop. [ME] That sounds suspiciously like therapy again. [TECH] Would you prefer I tell you to restart? [ME] Kinda. [TECH] Turn yourself off. Wait. Then turn yourself on again. [ME] Now you're speaking my language. [FINAL HOOK] TURN ME OFF TURN ME ON AGAIN SAME OLD LIGHTS SAME NOISE IN MY HEAD PULL THE PLUG COUNT TO TEN BOOT ME BACK UP— HERE WE FUCKING GO AGAIN Turn me off Turn me on again Maybe this time Don't rush the end Let the fan stop Let the screen go black Maybe I don't gotta Immediately come back [OUTRO] [TECH] Anything else I can help you with? [ME] Yeah. Can we go back to clearing the cache? [TECH] Certainly. "Argument from 2017"? [ME] Yeah. [TECH] All six versions? ... [ME] Let's not get fucking crazy.
