A Very Bad First Impression

[Ominous Instrumental Intro] [Low Male Vocal] I practiced this. [Orchestral Hit] [Verse 1] I checked my shirt. I fixed my hair. I practiced looking unaware That I'd rehearsed this conversation Twenty-seven times upstairs. Walk through the door. Don't overthink. Make eye contact. Smile. Don't blink. Someone reaches out to shake my hand... I hand them my fucking drink. [Instrumental Hit] [Pre-Chorus] Recover. Recover. Nobody saw. Take back the glass. Pretend you're calm. He says his name. I say, "You too." [Silence] What the fuck Did I just do? [Theatrical Vocal Rise] Ah-ah-ah-ah... AH-AH-AHHHH! [Chorus] I HAD ONE CHANCE! ONE FUCKING CHANCE! TO WALK THROUGH THE DOOR LIKE A NORMAL MAN! I PRACTICED MY NAME! I PRACTICED MY FACE! THIRTY SECONDS LATER... I SHOULD LEAVE THIS PLACE! I came prepared! I had a plan! Then somebody spoke And my brain fucking ran! One first impression. That's all that I had. And somehow I made it... IMPRESSIVELY BAD! [Grand Instrumental Break] [Verse 2] Okay. New person. Clean slate. This one's easy. Don't be strange. She says, "How do you know the host?" My mouth says something fucking vague. "From around." Around? Around where? Why did I say it Like I shouldn't be there? Now she's looking at me differently. Great. Now I look like a fucking thief. [Pre-Chorus] Recover. Recover. Just ask what she does. She says, "I'm a veterinarian." I say— [Silence] "Cool. My dog died." [Long Silence] Why? [Theatrical Vocal Explosion] AH-AH-AHHHH! AH-AH-AH-AH-AHHHH! [Chorus] I HAD ONE CHANCE! ONE FUCKING CHANCE! TO HAVE ONE EXCHANGE LIKE A NORMAL MAN! I PRACTICED MY WORDS! I PRACTICED MY FACE! NINETY SECONDS LATER... I SHOULD LEAVE THIS PLACE! I came prepared! I had a plan! Then somebody spoke And my brain fucking ran! One first impression. That's all that I had. And somehow I made it... IMPRESSIVELY BAD! [Instrumental Interlude] [Verse 3] Now I've decided not to talk. That's the safest thing I've got. Stand beside the food. Look occupied. Eat something. Smile. Nod. A guy walks up. He says, "Good night." I say, "Thanks." [Beat] He's not fucking leaving. He meant the night. The night is good. He wasn't saying goodbye. Oh God. He knows. I know he knows. He knows I know. We're both just standing here. [Whispered] Kill me. [Orchestral Surge] [Bridge] Why does every normal sentence Need a committee in my head? Why are all the useful answers Only showing up in bed? At three A.M. I'll solve it. I'll know exactly what to say. I'll reconstruct each conversation In a thousand better ways. I'll be charming. I'll be funny. I'll be effortlessly cool. I'll relive every second And correct each fucking move. But right now someone's walking over. They are smiling. They seem nice. They're about to ask me something... [Music Drops Out] Please, brain. Just this once. [Beat] Be normal. [Soft Female Voice] "So, what do you do?" [Long Silence] [Male] Fuck. [Massive Instrumental Breakdown] [Theatrical Wordless Vocals] AH-AH-AH! AH-AH-AH-AHHHH! AH-AH-AH! AH-AH-AH-AH-AHHHH! [Final Chorus] I HAD ONE CHANCE! ONE FUCKING CHANCE! TO EXIST IN A ROOM LIKE A NORMAL MAN! FORGET BEING COOL! JUST GIVE ME "OKAY!" LET ME MEET ONE HUMAN WITHOUT WANTING TO ESCAPE! I came prepared! I had a plan! BUT APPARENTLY GOD HAD A DIFFERENT ONE, MAN! One first impression. That's all that I had. I didn't just blow it... I MADE IT AN ART! [Instrumental Climax] [Male] So... Good meeting you. [Beat] [Other Voice] We've met before. [Silence] [Male] Of course we have. [Final Theatrical Vocal] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! [Orchestral Final Hit]