[EXTREME SYNTH MUSIC] [AIR HORN] [EXPLOSION SOUNDS] ANNOUNCER (way too excited): HEY YOU! Yeah, YOU! Are you tired of being the second most heavily armed psychopath on your block? Then come on down to— Bobbo’s Discount Weapons and Tactical Solutions [CHEERING] Where our motto is: “If the problem still exists, you didn’t buy enough gun.” ⸻ BOBBO: Look at this idiot. [CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON GUY HOLDING A BROKEN BOTTLE] You gonna defend yourself with THAT? Pathetic What are you gonna do? Give somebody tetanus? For just 60 credits you can upgrade to a— NINE MILLIMETER PISTOL! [GUNSHOTS] It’s got SIX whole damage! That’s THREE TIMES more than our lawyers recommend! ⸻ ANNOUNCER: Need something more discreet? Try our— Filament KNIFE It’s sharp! It’s sleek! Security scanners can’t tell if it’s a knife or a tax deduction! ⸻ [EXPLOSION] Maybe you’re saying: “Bobbo, I need something for home defense.” Well buddy, if your home is a small city block— ROCKET LAUNCHER ONLY FIVE THOUSAND CREDITS! Fires once per combat! Because if you’re firing it TWICE, there probably isn’t a combat anymore! ⸻ [CUT TO HAPPY CUSTOMER] CUSTOMER: I bought a rocket launcher from Bobbo’s! Now my landlord finally respects me! ⸻ ANNOUNCER: Need something for family gatherings? Try a— HAND GRENADE! Great for: Weddings, Corporate retreats! Office disputes! Gender reveal parties! ⸻ [ALARM SOUNDS] ANNOUNCER: BUT WAIT! Order in the next ten minutes and we’ll throw in— TOO MANY THROWING KNIVES Nobody knows how many are included! Not even us! The crate just keeps producing them! We’ve contacted scientists! They’re frightened! ⸻ [CUT TO MAN WEARING CYBERNETICS] MAN: I was getting bullied by heavily armed mercenaries. Then Bobbo sold me a Pulse Rifle. Now they’re getting bullied by me! ⸻ (WHISPERING): You know what the problem with grenades is? They’re only one grenade. That’s why we also sell— MORE GRENADES!! ⸻ [FAST-TALKING LEGAL DISCLAIMER] Bobbo’s Discount Weapons and Tactical Solutions is not responsible for accidental dismemberment, intentional dismemberment, mistaken dismemberment, self-inflicted chainsaw incidents, rocket-related zoning violations, spontaneous regime changes, orbital strikes, hostile AI responses, cyberpsychosis, mech uprisings, or acts of whatever the hell happened in District 9. Laser turrets sold where legal. SmartGun™ may develop opinions. Please drink water. ⸻ [MASSIVE EXPLOSION] “Bobbo’s Discount Weapons and Tactical Solutions, Open 25 Hours A Day.” “If the problem still exists, you didn’t buy enough gun.”
