The Return of the Melonomicon

# THE MELONOMICON ### *or: Why the Hydroponics Wing Is No Longer Covered by Insurance* [Spoken — Archivist, grave] There are books which mankind was not meant to read. There are doors mankind was not meant to open. There are fruits— Fidget, put that down. [Fidget, distant] **IT HAS DIAGRAMS!** [Archivist] Oh no. --- [Verse 1] Beneath the Stacks where dead things sleep, Past iron doors and chambers deep, We found a book in bindings black That smelled suspiciously like a snack. Its pages whispered ancient rhymes, Of seeds that grew before all time, And written where no hand had been: **WHEN STARS ARE RIGHT—PLANT SIX FEET IN.** [Fidget] That's incredibly specific! [Archivist] THAT IS NOT THE IMPORTANT PART. --- [Pre-Chorus] Something scratching in the walls, Something creeping through the halls, Something chanting underground— **THUMP.** ...Was that a melon sound? --- [Chorus] **MELONGEDDON!** IA! IA! Seeds awaken! **MELONGEDDON!** Common sense has been forsaken! From the soil they rise, With a thousand staring eyes— The ancient gods are coming! And they're **watermelon-sized!** **MELONGEDDON!** Hear the forbidden garden call! We tried to grow some produce— **NOW THE PRODUCE WANTS US ALL!** --- [Verse 2] Then Boiler found another tome Behind a skull beneath a gnome, A manuscript of root and leaf— The **Vine-ich Manuscript.** [Archivist] Oh, good grief. Its diagrams began to crawl, Green tendrils spreading up the wall, Boiler raised the book on high— And every houseplant learned to fly. [Boiler] *happy mechanical chirping* [Archivist] YOU ARE NOT HELPING. --- [Pre-Chorus] Vines are crawling through the vents, Hydroponics has gained sentience, Something huge just ate a chair— [Fidget] Okay! Counterpoint: **THIS IS AWESOME.** [Archivist] FIDGET, NO. --- [Chorus] **MELONGEDDON!** IA! IA! Rinds unbroken! **MELONGEDDON!** Ancient produce has awoken! Hear the watermelon sing Of the **Gourd Beyond the Ring!** We don't know what that means, BUT IT HAS TENTACLES AND WINGS! **MELONGEDDON!** Every seedling hears the call! We tried to grow some produce— **NOW THE PRODUCE WANTS US ALL!** --- [Bridge — ominous choir] *Ph'nglui...* *Melon...* *R'lyeh...* [Archivist] No. [Choir] *Wgah'nagl—* [Archivist] We are absolutely not doing this. [Fidget] Too late! [Choir — enormous] **CANTALOUPE!** --- [Orchestral Breakdown] [Archivist] Seal the Lower Stacks! [Widget] Already tried! [Archivist] Burn the vines! [Widget] They're fireproof! [Archivist] Where's Fidget?! [Widget] RIDING ONE. [Archivist] # OF COURSE SHE IS. --- [Fidget — heroic] BEHOLD! THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE **MELON-THULHU!** [Archivist] STOP NAMING THEM! [Fidget] IT MAKES THEM EASIER TO CATALOG! [Archivist] THAT IS NOT HOW CATALOGING WORKS! --- [Verse 3 — increasingly huge] Then from the shattered greenhouse dome There rose a thing that had no home, A mountainous and striped green sphere Whose geometry offended fear. Its vines reached upward through the night, Its seeds extinguished candlelight, And from its maw came words of doom: **"YOUR COMPOST BIN HAS INSUFFICIENT ROOM."** [Beat] [Fidget] ...That's actually fair. --- [Final Chorus] **MELONGEDDON!** IA! IA! Rinds eternal! **MELONGEDDON!** Fruit infernal! Fruit infernal! Every tendril, every seed Serves a hunger without need! The stars themselves have ripened— **AND THE HARVEST COMES TO FEED!** **MELONGEDDON!** Hear the cosmic garden call! The vines have breached the Armory! **THE MELONS TOOK THE HALL!** **MELONGEDDON!** Someone barricade the Stacks! The fruit has learned our weaknesses— **AND NOW IT'S FIGHTING BACK!** --- [Choir] IA! IA! [Archivist] STOP THAT. [Choir] IA! IA! [Archivist] I SAID STOP. [Fidget] **WRENCH THE FUTURE!** [Archivist] NOT THIS ONE! --- [Final Breakdown — triumphant chaos] **MELONS IN THE HALLWAYS!** VINES ACROSS THE DOORS! **SEEDS INSIDE THE CEILING!** RINDS ACROSS THE FLOORS! BOILER HAS THE VINE-ICH! FIDGET HAS THE TOME! SOMETHING IN THE GREENHOUSE **JUST DECLARED ITSELF OUR HOME!** --- [Massive Final Chorus] **MELONGEDDON!** Raise the wrench and sound the warning! **MELONGEDDON!** We may not survive till morning! When the elder melons rise Under black and starless skies, Remember this disaster Started roughly melon-sized! **MELONGEDDON!** THE ANCIENT GARDEN CALLS! WE TRIED TO GROW SOME PRODUCE— **NOW THE PRODUCE WANTS US ALL!** --- [Music abruptly stops] [Long silence] [Fidget] ...So. Good news. [Archivist] There is no good news. [Fidget] I figured out what page 47 does. [Archivist] Don't. [Page turns] **THOOOOOOM.** [Boiler] *excited chirping* [Archivist] ...Why do I hear pumpkins? [END]