Restocking Fee (Store Credit Only)

[Intro] [Cheerful, plastic-perfect—then a whisper] [Barcode scanner BEEP. Funky guitar riff snaps in.] [Spoken] Transaction complete! Would you like your receipt? [Whisper] Too bad. [Verse 1] [Flirty, fast, confident] You picked me off the shelf, I was shiny, I was new You liked the packaging, the font, the “exclusive” view You didn’t check the weight, you didn’t shake the box You just handed over everything to pick the locks I came with a manual, printed in invisible ink Step one: Don’t trust me. Step two: Don’t blink. [Pre-Chorus] [Beat strips back—snaps only, smiling menace] Now you’re standing at the counter with a sad, sad face Saying “She doesn’t work right, she’s all over the place” But look at the sign, baby, look at the wall We don’t do refunds on a generic doll. [Chorus] [Brass + synth explosion, full-body groove] Warranty void! If opened! You broke the seal, you broke the spell! I look perfect in the plastic, but I’m hell to sell! Warranty void! If opened! Read the bottom line, honey, read it and weep— I charge a fifty percent restocking fee just to go to sleep! [Post-Chorus] [Chant, stompy, two-beat] Restock! Fee! Restock! Fee! You don’t get your soul back for free! [Verse 2] [Smug, teasing—dancing on the knife-edge] You say I’m defective, I say I’m “vintage feature” You say I’m cold, I say I’m a “low-temp creature” Store credit in your eyes, no cash back in your hands I’m sitting in the warehouse of your bad decisions Waiting for the next guy with 20/20 vision To make the same mistake, to pay the same price To think that “high maintenance” just means “nice.” [Pre-Chorus] [Building up—lights too bright] Fill out the RMA, fill out the form “Reason for return: She creates a storm” But the manager’s out, and the system is down And I’m the only register open in town! [Chorus] [Even bigger—laughing through the hook] Warranty void! If opened! You broke the seal, you broke the spell! I look perfect in the plastic, but I’m hell to sell! Warranty void! If opened! Read the bottom line, honey, read it and weep— I charge a fifty percent restocking fee just to go to sleep! [Post-Chorus] [Chant, stompy, two-beat] Restock! Fee! Restock! Fee! You don’t get your soul back for free! [Bridge] [Slow, sexy elevator bossa—syrupy and psycho] [Spoken: customer service voice] Thank you for holding. Your heartbreak is important to us. Please note that all returns must be in original condition. And, looking at you? [Manic giggle] You are definitely damaged goods. Have a sparkling day! [Guitar Solo] [Distorted, frantic, grinning panic] [Final Chorus] [Maximalist pop—no mercy, all glitter] Warranty void! If opened! [I kept the receipt!] You broke the seal, you broke the spell! [I love the deceit!] I look perfect in the plastic, but I’m hell to sell! Warranty void! If opened! Read the bottom line, honey—read it and weep— I charge a hundred percent restocking fee just to let you leave! [Outro] [Hard stop—cash drawer slam] [Cash register drawer SLAMS shut.] [Spoken] Next customer!