𝚆𝚑𝚘'𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚟 𝙳𝚊𝚍𝚍𝚢?!

[Intro – Vinyl Crackle, Funky Bassline, TV Audience Cheering] [Spoken Female – Raspy, Sarcastic] Ohhh, here we go again! Maury got the paperwork! Mary brought THREE of 'em?! Girl, this ain't a game show! Ha! Drop that beat! [Verse 1 – Bouncy Female Rap, Heavy Boom-Bap] Mary came struttin' through the backstage door, Got three baby daddies—maybe one, maybe more! Three grown men all lined in a row, Each one hollerin', "That baby ain't mine, though!" First dude sweatin', second dude mad, Third dude swearin' that he ain't the dad! Mary got pictures, Mary got proof, Mary got everybody hollerin' the truth! One says, "Hell no!" Two says, "Not me!" Three says, "Check the DNA and see!" Maury in the chair with a look on his face, Like, "Lord have mercy, what a damn disgrace!" [Pre-Chorus – Funky Bass Stops, Female Whisper] One... two... three... Somebody's got a baby... But who could it be? [Record Scratch – Dramatic Pause] OPEN THAT ENVELOPE! [Chorus – Catchy Female Sung Hook, Layered Doubles] Who's the baby daddy? (Who? Who?) Who's the baby daddy? (Not you!) Got a little baby and a whole lotta drama, Everybody runnin' when they see the baby mama! Who's the baby daddy? (Who? Who?) DNA's comin' with the cold hard truth! You can run, you can hide, you can holler all day, But you can't outrun your DNA! [Verse 2 – Comedic Stop-Start Rap] Maury said, "Number one..." [BEAT STOPS] YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER! [D.J. SCRATCH – Crowd Screaming] Number two stood up, said, "THANK YOU, LORD!" Maury said, "Hold up, we ain't done with the board!" Number two... NOT THE FATHER! Number three... NOT THE FATHER! [Vinyl Rewind – Silence] Wait a damn minute! THREE OUTTA THREE?! Mary, girl, what the hell is this, a mystery?! Three men jumpin' like they just won the lottery, Mary sittin' there questionin' biology! She said, "Well, there was one more guy..." Maury said, "WHERE?" She said, "I don't know, he disappeared somewhere!" [Spoken Female – Deadpan] Oh, so the daddy's on a missing persons poster? Girl, you brought the wrong three people! [Chorus – Female Sung, Funky Bass Drop] Who's the baby daddy? (Who? Who?) Who's the baby daddy? (Not you!) Three men tested, all three free, The only one missin' is the one we need! Who's the baby daddy? (Where'd he go?) Somewhere out there, don't nobody know! Mary brought a crowd but she missed the main show, Somebody find that man! HELLO?! [Beat Switch – Heavier 808, Sinister Funk Bass] [Spoken Female – Announcer Voice] NEXT GUEST! We got WANDA! And her husband... BILLY! Ohhh, Billy looks pissed! [Verse 3 – Raspy Female Rap, Sarcastic Delivery] Wanda got a baby, just three months old, Billy got a story that he already told! Said, "That ain't my kid, don't look like me! I'm tellin' y'all it's my brother's baby!" [Scratch – WHAT?!] His BROTHER?! Boy, you better sit down! Got the whole damn family lookin' like clowns! Said, "She cheated on me! I'm walkin' away! Ain't changin' no diapers, ain't payin' no way!" Wanda said, "Billy, you're outta your mind! You been accusing me the whole damn time!" Billy jumped up, started waving his hands, Said, "THAT'S MY BROTHER'S BABY, MAN!" [Pre-Chorus – Tension Building] Maury got the papers... Billy got the nerves... Wanda got a baby... And somebody's 'bout to learn! [Record Stop – Total Silence] BILLY... [Long Dramatic Pause] YOU... ARE... THE FATHER!!! [EXPLOSIVE 808 BASS DROP – Crowd Goes Wild] [Verse 4 – Aggressive Comedic Female Rap] OH, LOOK AT BILLY! LOOK AT HIS FACE! Like somebody slapped him with a DNA case! All that hollerin', all that doubt, Now he's sittin' there tryin' to figure it out! Blamed his brother, blamed his wife, Been runnin' his mouth for the baby's whole life! Three months old, and you already quit? Now the test came back—DEAL WITH IT! Wanda said, "TOLD YOU!" Billy said, "Damn!" Maury said, "Congratulations, you're the man!" Audience screamin', Billy lookin' sick, Girl, somebody hand that fool a diaper QUICK! [Final Chorus – Big Female Sung Hook, Scratches] Who's the baby daddy? (BILLY!) Who's the baby daddy? (BILLY!) You can point your finger, throw a little fit, But the DNA says you gotta deal with it! Who's the baby daddy? (BILLY!) Who's the baby daddy? (YOU!) Quit blaming your brother for the things you do! Got a little baby counting on you, Better grow the hell up and do what daddies do! [Outro – Beat Strips to Dirty Bass and Handclaps] [Spoken Female – Slow, Mocking, Deadpan] Now, Billy... You accused your wife... You blamed your BROTHER... You abandoned your baby... And after ALL THAT... [Record Scratch] YOU. ARE. THE. FATHER. So stop acting like a little bitch... AND BE A DADDY! [One Massive Bass Hit] [Female Laughter] Heh-heh! Maury, get this fool a diaper! [Vinyl Rewind – End] ***Lyrics by: touché*** ©️2026