(Intro - Fast, distorted guitar riff hits immediately. Drums join with a relentless punk beat.) (G) (D) (Em) (C) (G) (D) (Em) (C) (Verse 1 - Melodic, slightly frantic vocals, detailing the early days.) (G) My true love sent me a partridge in a dead tree (D) It dropped needles everywhere, totally ruined my TV! (Em) Day Two, I got two turtle doves locked in my room (C) Now my whole apartment just smells like inevitable doom! (G) Day Three, I got three French hens screaming at the wall (D) This isn't romantic, this is just a stressful mall haul (Em) By Day Four, man, the four calling birds just mocked me (C) This whole tradition is totally shocking me! (Pre-Chorus - Building intensity, guitar riff pushes harder.) (C) I called my love and said, "Stop this right now!" (G) I've got feathers and beaks, and I don't know how to plow through the mess (D) But they said, "Don't worry, babe, it only gets better!" (Em) Yeah, they sealed my fate in a big red sweater! (Chorus - Full band sound. Vocals are shouted and anthemic, perfect for a singalong breakdown.) (G) OH, TWELVE DAYS OF RETAIL HELL! It's a logistical nightmare! (D) My landlord is gonna evict me, and I seriously don't care! (Em) I'm drowning in livestock, stuck in this holiday prison! (C) THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS BREAKDOWN! Yeah, the chaos has risen! (G) Forget the gold rings, forget the fancy cars! (D) Just get these birds out of my damn guitars! (Verse 2 - More frantic, detailing the physical stress of the gifts.) (G) Day Five, man, five golden rings—the only decent thing! (D) But I lost 'em immediately trying to catch the damn hens on the wing! (Em) Day Six, six geese a-laying? I'm already busted and broke (C) Trying to buy feed, this whole gift is a practical joke! (G) Then came the swans, seven of 'em, swimming in the bath tub! (D) I can't even shower, this is a literal rub and scrub of my patience! (Em) Day Eight, eight maids a-milking showed up at my door (C) Yeah, I got milk and noise, and I can't take any more! (Pre-Chorus - Building back to the explosive frustration.) (C) I called my love and said, "Stop this right now!" (G) I've got feathers and beaks, and I don't know how to plow through the mess (D) But they said, "Don't worry, babe, it only gets better!" (Em) Yeah, they sealed my fate in a big red sweater! (Chorus - Maximum full band power. Chaotic, high-energy singalong.) (G) OH, TWELVE DAYS OF RETAIL HELL! It's a logistical nightmare! (D) My landlord is gonna evict me, and I seriously don't care! (Em) I'm drowning in livestock, stuck in this holiday prison! (C) THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS BREAKDOWN! Yeah, the chaos has risen! (G) Forget the gold rings, forget the fancy cars! (D) Just get these birds out of my damn guitars! (Bridge - The music slams into a brief, heavy half-time breakdown. Vocals are spoken/yelled with defeat.) (Em) (C) I don't need nine ladies dancing on my fridge! (G) (D) I don't need ten lords a-leaping off the ledge! (Em) (C) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming! (G) (D) I'M GOING DEAF! The apocalypse is coming! (Outro - The full band kicks back into high speed, repeating the final line with maximum energy before cutting out abruptly.) (G) (D) (Em) (C) (SHOUTED): GET THESE BIRDS OUT OF MY GUITARS! (G) (D) (Em) (C) (Final, sharp, crashing power chord.)
