## FESTIVAL HEADLINER EDITION **[HOUSE LIGHTS DROP]** Darkness. A kettle clicks on. **CLICK.** **BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!** Pyro erupts. **ANNOUNCER:** GOOD EVENING, YOU ABSOLUTE DISASTERS! COMMON SENSE HAS LEFT THE FESTIVAL SITE. **CROWD:** OOOOOOOOOH! **ANNOUNCER:** GOOD. WE DIDN’T NEED IT. --- # [OPENING CHANT] **LEAD:** WHEN I SAY OI— **CROWD:** OI! **LEAD:** OI! OI! **CROWD:** OI! OI! **ALL:** OI! OI! OI! **STOMP — STOMP — CLAP!** --- # [MAIN HOOK] **ALL:** PUT THE KETTLE ON! THE WORLD’S GONE WRONG! WE’VE LOST THE PLOT— SO PUT THE KETTLE ON! --- ## [BRITAIN] Britain woke up raining. A pigeon stole a pasty. A fox stole a pie. A goose stole someone’s wristband and walked through security like: “TRY ME.” **CROWD:** HONK! HONK! HONK! Someone dropped their chips. A national tragedy. --- # [FAKE ANNOUNCEMENT] **ANNOUNCER:** LOST PROPERTY UPDATE. One boot. Three phones. One tent. A man called Gary. And the entire country of Belgium. Please return Belgium to information. --- ## [INTERNATIONAL CHAOS] Canada arrives apologising. Britain apologises for making Canada apologise. A moose walks past. **LEAD:** WHAT’S HIS NAME?! **CROWD:** STEVE! America arrives with a drink the size of a toddler. “That’s medium.” **CROWD:** OOOOOOOH! Scotland arrives with bagpipes. **LEAD:** CAN YOU TURN THEM DOWN?! **CROWD:** NAE! Australia arrives upside down. Spider in the tent? Trevor. Snake under the chair? Keith. Crocodile near catering? **CROWD:** DAVE! --- # [RAPID-FIRE CHANT] **LEAD:** TEA! **CROWD:** CHAOS! **LEAD:** GOOSE! **CROWD:** RUN! **LEAD:** GARY! **CROWD:** WHAT’S HE DONE?! **LEAD:** BELGIUM! **CROWD:** STILL MISSING! --- ## [FRANCE AND ITALY] France arrives immaculate. Britain arrives in a bin-bag poncho. France says: “Non.” Britain says: “Fair.” Italy enters. Someone breaks spaghetti in half. The music stops. **ITALIAN VOICE:** WHO DID THAT? **RANDOM CROWD MEMBER:** GARY! **ANNOUNCER:** Gary is now banned from Italy. --- # [FAKE NEWS] **NEWSREADER:** BREAKING NEWS. Canada is apologising. France is judging us. Australia has lost a crocodile. Germany has made a spreadsheet. Scotland refuses to turn down the bagpipes. And Belgium— **PAUSE** —is still missing. **GOOSE:** HONK. --- # [MID-SONG DROP] **LEAD:** EVERYBODY DOWN! **CROWD CROUCHES** LOWER! LOWER! THREE! TWO! ONE! **PYRO EXPLODES** **ALL:** OI! OI! OI! --- ## [MORE COUNTRIES, WORSE DECISIONS] Japan brought karaoke. Brazil brought drums. Sweden brought furniture nobody can assemble. Spain said dinner starts at ten. Britain said: “That’s bedtime.” New Zealand appeared. **CROWD:** HOBBITS! **NEW ZEALAND:** Please stop. **BRITAIN:** No. --- # [FAKE FINAL WARNING] **ANNOUNCER:** PLEASE DO NOT INTRODUCE ANY MORE COUNTRIES. **RANDOM VOICE:** DENMARK! **ANNOUNCER:** NO. **RANDOM VOICE:** ICELAND! **ANNOUNCER:** STOP. **RANDOM VOICE:** LUXEMBOURG! **ANNOUNCER:** WHO INVITED LUXEMBOURG?! --- # [FINAL BUILD] **LEAD:** FRONT ROW! **CROWD:** OI! **LEAD:** BACK ROW! **CROWD:** OI! **LEAD:** CAMPING FIELD! **CROWD:** OI! **LEAD:** TOILET QUEUE! **DISTANT CROWD:** OOOOOOOOI! --- # [FINAL CHORUS] **ALL:** PUT THE KETTLE ON! THE WORLD’S GONE WRONG! STOMP YOUR FEET! CLAP ALONG! WE’VE LOST THE PLOT— SO PUT THE KETTLE ON! --- # [100,000-PERSON FINALE] **LEAD:** ONE! **CROWD:** OI! **LEAD:** TWO! **CROWD:** OI! **LEAD:** THREE! **EVERYONE:** OI! OI! OI! **STOMP — STOMP — CLAP!** OI! OI! OI! **STOMP — STOMP — CLAP!** OI! OI! OI! --- # [FINAL ANNOUNCEMENT] **ANNOUNCER:** PLEASE EXIT IN AN ORDERLY FASHION. **CROWD:** NO! **ANNOUNCER:** Of course. Take your rubbish. Find your friends. Do not adopt the goose. If anyone finds Belgium— **CROWD:** BRING IT BACK! --- # [ABSURD ENDING] Pyro launches. Bagpipes scream. Confetti falls. A giant inflatable kettle rises. The goose appears on the big screen. Steve the moose crosses the stage. Gary runs past with spaghetti. **ITALIAN VOICE:** GAAAAAAARY! **GARY:** SORRY! **CANADA:** SORRY! **BRITAIN:** SORRY! **EVERYONE:** SORRY! **LEAD:** ONE LAST TIME! **100,000 PEOPLE:** OI! OI! OI! **ALL:** PUT! THE! KETTLE! ON! **BLACKOUT.** **ONE LAST HONK.**
