[Intro] [Live Comedy Club Banter] [A single bouncy acoustic guitar strums] [Spoken casually into a live mic] Hey everybody. Thanks for coming out tonight. In case you're wondering, my real name is Richard Dick. Yeah. Thanks, Mom and Dad. I go by 'Rick in a Vest' now, because honestly, 'Dick Dick' just doesn't look good on the marquee outside. People think it's a typo for a magic show. Anyway, I brought my best friend out here with me tonight. He doesn't sing, he doesn't speak, but he does play the accordion. [A single, incredibly depressing and wheezy accordion chord groans] Yeah, that's the stuff. Let's keep it classy, buddy. Anyway, I'm looking for a woman who can handle a man like me. And by handle, I mean literally do everything. [Verse 1] [Accordion plays long, polite organ notes beneath the guitar] [Singing earnestly] I cannot cook a single meal, I'll burn the water black, I do not work, I don't make cash, I mostly just relax. I can't change a tire, I can't dance on beat, I'm terrified of bees, I need a girl to make my bed and buy my groceries. I'm basically a toddler who's too lazy to evolve, A massive human puzzle that you do not want to solve. [Chorus] [Loud, enthusiastic strumming] Oh, I'm completely useless, totally incapable! A lazy bum who's permanently, comfortably un-hireable! You'll have to pay the electric bill and keep my schedule locked, But I never worry... 'cause I got twelve inches in my pocket! Yeah, that's right. I'm Rick in a vest! [Bridge Breakdown] [Aggressive, rhythmic scatting - full Tenacious D style] Ya dad digidigadoo digga jiga doo Digga digga digi digi doo dahdah Oh ah dooo diga digs dom dew ah Dom dom dood awa dah doo bah Ewww ta bull la vou Yes I’m just a Dick in a Vest! Fuck fuck fuck fuck yooooouuuu! [Verse 2] [Quiet rhythmic palm-mute guitar. Accordion returns to a low organ hum] [Singing intimately] I will not do the laundry, I will not fold the clothes, If the toilet starts to overflow, well, that's just how it goes. If you need a strong provider, I suggest you look away, 'Cause I'm planning on napping for the middle of the day. I'm fully capable of moving, I just choose to stay right here, So grab your purse and buy your boy a mediocre beer! [Chorus] [Full Energy] 'CAUSE I'M COMPLETELY USELESS, TOTALLY INCAPABLE! A LAZY BUM WHO'S PERMANENTLY, COMFORTABLY UN-HIREABLE! YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY THE ELECTRIC BILL AND KEEP MY SCHEDULE LOCKED, BUT I NEVER WORRY... 'CAUSE I GOT TWELVE INCHES IN MY POCKET! [Verse 3] [Dramatic, stomping march. Accordion plays a tense trill] [Theatrical, whispered intensity, building up] Now, you might think I'm joking, just a clown upon the stage, But my weaponized incompetence just gets worse with age! I will forget your birthday, I'll probably lose the dog, My brain is just a monkey banging cymbals in a fog! If there's a spider in the bathtub, pack your bags, we have to move, I have absolutely nothing as a human being to prove! Take it away, man! [Instrumental Accordion Solo] [Tempo shifts to 200 BPM!] [Absolute chaos! Frantic, blistering Eastern European Polka!] [Dissonant chords, wild accordion mashing!] [Scatting over the Polka madness] [Screaming] Fluga-giggi-diggi-doo! Flinga-flanga-baba-boo! Watch me do absolutely nothing for you! Skriddly-diddly-deee! You're paying the whole fee! Ahhhh-ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-TAAAAAH! Suck it, society! [Final Chorus] [Tempo drops immediately back to 115 BPM polite bouncy folk] [Explosive energy] OH, I'M COMPLETELY USELESS, TOTALLY INCAPABLE! A LAZY BUM WHO'S PERMANENTLY, COMFORTABLY UN-HIREABLE! YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY THE ELECTRIC BILL AND KEEP MY SCHEDULE LOCKED, BUT I NEVER WORRY... 'CAUSE I GOT TWELVE INCHES IN MY POCKET! [Outro] [Music slows down to an agonizingly slow crawl] [Breathless, triumphant] Yeah, I got twelve... [Heavy strum] Wait for it... [Heavy strum] Whole... [Silence] Inches. Of a plastic ruler. That I found in my mom's basement. [Huge sloppy dissonant chord rings out and fades] [Accordion lets out a pathetic deflating wheeze] [Spoken Outro] Thank you, goodnight! Please tip your waitress. I need someone to carry my guitar to the car, seriously, my arms are incredibly tired. I'm Rick in a Vest! Buy my merch in the back, or don't, I literally don't know how to run the credit card machine! [End]
