[INTRO — crooked piano / crowd chatter] [Libertine, spoken] Ladies, gentlemen, beautiful disasters and questionable decisions... Welcome to the Comedy Cabaret. There are only two rules: Laugh at the pain. And if the breakdown hits— MOVE! [RIFF DROP] [VERSE 1 — alternative punk / theatrical] Step right up Take a seat Watch me make disaster sweet Bad decisions Broken plans Give the idiot a microphone and watch him fucking dance Life said, “Here's some trauma.” I said, “Can I get a receipt?” Apparently all sales are final— SO I PUT THAT SHIT TO A BEAT! Every scar became a story Every failure got a name If I'm gonna be the punchline— I'M TAKING OVER THE FUCKING STAGE! [PRE-CHORUS] Tragedy? SET IT UP! Misery? SET IT UP! Bad luck? SET IT UP! And what's the punchline? ME! [CHORUS — huge punk/metalcore anthem] WELCOME TO THE COMEDY CABARET! Where we laugh when everything goes wrong Turn your breakdown to a breakdown— AND FUCKING SING ALONG! COMEDY CABARET! Raise your glass to yesterday If life insists on being a joke— THEN WE'RE LAUGHING ANYWAY! HA! HA! GET LOUD! HA! HA! WHO'S PROUD? If you're one bad day from losing it— WELCOME TO THE CROWD! [VERSE 2 — fast punk] Lost my patience Found a riff Therapy was booked So fuck it, this'll do for now Every awkward conversation Every “what the fuck was that?” Goes directly in the notebook— THANK YOU FOR THE MATERIAL, JACKASS! I got heartbreak I got baggage I got jokes that need some work But nothing makes a room go quiet— LIKE SAYING “THIS ONE'S ABOUT MY EX” FIRST! [music stops] Relax. There are several. [RIFF RETURNS] [PRE-CHORUS] Bad romance? SET IT UP! Wrong decision? SET IT UP! Existential crisis? SET IT UP! Punchline? HIT IT! [CHORUS] WELCOME TO THE COMEDY CABARET! Where we laugh when everything goes wrong Turn your breakdown to a breakdown— AND FUCKING SING ALONG! COMEDY CABARET! Raise your voice to yesterday If life insists on being a joke— THEN WE'RE LAUGHING ANYWAY! [BRIDGE — cabaret piano / exposed vocal] [Libertine] Truth is... some jokes aren't funny when they happen. Sometimes you laugh years later. Sometimes you laugh tomorrow. Sometimes you laugh because the alternative is letting the bastard win. [piano stops] And I fucking hate losing. [BUILD — punk drums] So bring me your bad days! YOUR BAD DATES! Your mistakes! YOUR REGRETS! Your spectacularly terrible life choices! [Libertine] Actually... those last ones are my specialty. [drums accelerate] Now everybody— LAUGH! [BREAKDOWN] HA! HA! HA! HA! TURN! PAIN! INTO! PUNCHLINES! TURN! TEARS! INTO! STAGE LIGHTS! IF LIFE WANTS A FUCKING COMEDY— THEN GIVE THE BASTARD A SHOW TONIGHT! [SECOND BREAKDOWN] BAD! DAY! GOOD! JOKE! BAD! CHOICE! GOOD! SHOW! WHEN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD GOES TO SHIT— WE! STILL! FUCKING! GO! [silence] Too soon? [Libertine laughs] Perfect. [FINAL CHORUS] WELCOME TO THE COMEDY CABARET! Where the broken get to sing along Turn your breakdown to a breakdown— AND MAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKER STRONG! COMEDY CABARET! No pretending we're okay We're just finding something funny— WHILE WE FIND ANOTHER WAY! HA! HA! GET LOUD! HA! HA! WHO'S PROUD? EVERY BEAUTIFUL DISASTER— TAKE A FUCKING BOW! [FINAL CHANT] COMEDY! CABARET! COMEDY! CABARET! LAUGH! ROCK! SCREAM! REPEAT! WELCOME TO THE— COMEDY FUCKING CABARET! [OUTRO — crooked piano] [Libertine] You've been wonderful. I've been emotionally questionable. Please tip your bartender. And remember— if tonight was a disaster... at least you've got new material. [curtain slam]
