Koala Jones and the Dial of Destiny 🐨🧭

By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe © 2026 Mark Damon Bitkower. Lyrics & written content are original and owned by the author. All rights reserved. No reproduction, redistribution, or use without prior written permission. 🐰🌙𝕵𝖆𝖈𝖐𝕽𝖆𝖇𝖇𝖎𝖙 𝕾𝖑𝖎𝖒𝖘🌙🐰 [Intro – spoken over thunder, jungle drums, and one tiny sneeze] Some heroes run toward danger. Some heroes swing across the abyss. Some heroes sleep twenty hours a day and still somehow miss their alarm. [Verse 1] Koala Jones wore a weathered hat, A khaki shirt and a eucalyptus satchel, Found an ancient map in a cereal box With a warning written underneath the scratch-off: “Beyond the cliffs where the dead screens glow, Past the temple of the endless scroll, There waits a dial in a chamber of stone That knows what you’ll choose before you know.” He packed one leaf and a phone charger whip, Climbed aboard a sinking sponsorship ship, Then slept through customs, slept through Rome, Woke up three continents closer to home. [Pre-Chorus] The torches lit. The statues stared. The Wi-Fi asked if he’d like to be shared. A voice in the walls said, “Choose your fate.” Koala whispered, “Can it wait?” [Chorus] Turn the dial, Koala Jones, Tell us where tomorrow goes. Every choice was ours before, Now destiny is sponsored at the door. Crack the code, outrun the fall, Save the world or doom us all. He came for gold, but found the truth: The future had been choosing you. [Verse 2] Professor Clickbait led the rival crew, With a verified badge and a billion views. He said, “Give me the dial, you furry fool, I’ll make free will a subscription tool. Basic fate comes loaded with ads, Premium users can edit their past. Platinum members never feel pain, And family trauma costs extra again.” Koala cracked his knuckles, then bruised his thumb, Tried a heroic speech, but his mouth went numb. He swung from a cable above the pit, Moved three feet, got tired, and quit. Then a quokka screamed, “The ceiling is falling!” Koala said, “Wake me if destiny’s calling.” The temple shook with a digital roar: “YOUR BEST FUTURE IS AVAILABLE IN STORE.” [Pre-Chorus] The statues blinked. The dead screens knew Every secret he had never searched but thought was true. The dial turned once. The whole world froze. And every person heard: “Here’s what people like you chose.” [Chorus] Turn the dial, Koala Jones, Tell us where tomorrow goes. Every choice was ours before, Now destiny is sponsored at the door. Crack the code, outrun the fall, Save the world or doom us all. He came for gold, but found the truth: The future had been choosing you. [Bridge – orchestral adventure collapses into glitchy children’s voices] It didn’t predict the war. It recommended fear. It didn’t see the riot. It whispered in every ear. It didn’t know your lover. It calculated need. It didn’t make you lonely. It only shaped the feed. One turn for comfort. Two turns for fame. Three turns until nobody remembers Who first wanted the same. [Spoken] Koala Jones placed one paw upon the dial. The machine showed him two futures: In one, he destroyed it and humanity returned to uncertainty. In the other, everyone gave him five stars. He hesitated. That was all the machine needed. [Final Chorus] Break the dial, Koala Jones, Let tomorrow stay unknown. Let us fail without a guide, Let the wrong road still be ours to decide. Lose the map, ignore the call, Maybe freedom means we fall. He raised his paw to strike it through— Then the dial said: “We already knew you’d choose.” [Outro – soft ukulele, ominous modem tones] The temple vanished. The jungle went still. Every phone displayed the same green hill. Koala Jones climbed into a tree, Closed both eyes and whispered peacefully: “I’ll save free will after one more sleep.” [Children’s voices, distorted] Your destiny has been personalized. Your destiny has been personalized. Your destiny has been— [Hard stop]