[Intro] [spoken word over fingerpicked acoustic guitar] It started with a vegan peanut butter cookie. Alaina in my block is trying to convince me to eat healthier. That's not likely to happen, but she keeps trying. A few days ago she flagged me down and told me she had just made a batch of vegan peanut butter cookies. I hate peanut butter cookies, vegan or otherwise, but I decided to be neighborly and try one. After tasting it, I was compelled to write the following epic poem. Listen all the way through; the core of the message is at the end. Join me in the anti-vegan, anti-gluten-free, anti-sugar-free, anti-GMO-free, anti-organic, anti-anything and everything healthy movement. [Verse 1] [acoustic guitar continues, kick drum and tambourine enter] I just as soon die as go vegan My tastes are well defined To switch from steaks and cutlets Would drive me out of my mind Kale, quinoa, and lentils Are things I can't digest I'd rather eat fricassee parrots Than foods that vegans suggest [Verse 2] Ignore all those blood pressure readings And fat around your waist While others may eat healthy Be bold and go for taste Forget all the foods vegans favor Choose burgers and fries instead Deprived of the tastes you favor You'd probably wish you were dead [Verse 3] And don't tell me bacon causes cancer And liver disease and such A BLT made with broccoli Is really a bit too much I say yeeek when they say give up sugars My blood work is not your concern Tell your children to stop eating boogers They have more than I do to learn [Verse 4] And heaven forbid they serve low-fat Knowing fat gives food its taste While no-fat food flows right through me Which seems like a terrible waste I'll cling to pizza and hot dogs And ice cream for sure is a must Let this be our great movement's motto Eat junk food forever or bust [Bridge] [music pauses briefly] Pause to reflect. [music resumes] I'll have lactose until my milk curdles Put naught on the non-GMO Avoid all the health nut precautions As I pour a hot cup of Joe That's coffee in case you Gen Xers haven't heard I'll eat eggs till chickens quit laying And sardines right out of the can Who cares if they're mercury tainted That's all part of being a man [Verse 5] I'm neutral when it comes to gluten Avoid it if doctors insist But don't get so darn high-falutin When it's not on my shopping list Some reading this may be offended Although it was written in jest Your sacred cow's upended By a no-count junk food pest [Verse 6] But there are no sacred cows to vegans And with me they can't have a beef And gluten won't stick unless it makes you sick And you are in need of relief There are some folks who just eat organic To whom price is not a concern But I always buy what is cheapest 'Cause I don't have money to burn [Verse 7] However, someday I may join the organics For me that would be quite a turn I'll abandon my junk food forever When I learn to earn what they earn I guess one should never say never When you think of eternity spanned But whenever you think of forever Pray junk food is part of God's plan [Outro] [spoken word, acoustic guitar fades] Bless your vegan-approved, non-GMO, lactose-free, sugar-free, fat-free, organically grown, pea-picking hearts. [pause] But consider this: it seems I have cognitive bias, my own Dunning-Kruger effect. Considering the diet I thrive on; that's something you'd have to expect. Choosing a healthier diet is something I may eschew, but on this I can't be quiet: what you eat could be killing you. obesity is a growing problem in America. The toxicity of chemicals used in the production of our foodstuffs, the unknown long-term effects of genetically modified foods, and the sensitivity of many people to gluten, fat, sugar, and other compounds make an increased focus on health and nutrition essential. You might want to ignore anyone who tells you otherwise, [pause] especially me. Blessings.
