The Perfect Country & Western Christmas Song

outlaw country, traditional country, Christmas ballad

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(Verse 1 - The Setup) Well, I was sittin' 'round the cabin, snow was fallin' soft and deep My woman left last Tuesday, took the dog and all the sheep I tried to drown my sorrows in a glass of spiked eggnog But the only thing I'm feelin' is the lumberjack in the log. They say to write a country Christmas song, you gotta hit the marks The twinkle lights and Jesus, and the sound of jingle sparks. So I called up old Kris Kringle, said, "Buddy, hear me weep, I need a song to make the lonely cowboys nod their head and sleep."
(Chorus - The C&W Checklist) So here's the perfect country and western Christmas song, I guess: It's got a TRAIN a-whistlin', comin' through the frozen mess. It's got a TRUCK broke down on I-10, stuck right in the sleet. It mentions MAMA cryin' 'cause she ain't got shoes on her feet. It mentions PRISON, maybe Santa went to jail for brawlin'. And it's gotta have me DRINKIN' 'cause the silent night is callin'. Yes, this is the perfect country and western Christmas song. And I'll be home for Christmas... but I'll be damn sure I'm alone.
(Verse 2 - The Christmas Detail) I woke up Christmas mornin' to a stockin' full of coal, The only gift my woman left me was a great big, empty hole. I swear I saw a TRAIN go by, the freight was headed south, Leavin' me up in this mountain, snow stuck right inside my mouth. I tried to start my beat-up TRUCK, the engine just went clunk. If I could only get to town, I'd go and buy me a trunk Full of Tennessee whiskey, I'd DRINK it 'til I fall, Then stumble down to see the warden where they got a big brick wall... Wait a minute...
(Bridge - The Spoken Interruption) (Slow, spoken, almost whispering) Now I told Kris, I said, "Kris, you're missin' the whole point. A Christmas song should have a point, a spiritual anoint. It needs to be uplifting, about peace and goodwill to men, It shouldn't be about a PRISON sentence or my drinkin' den! Where's the sleigh bells ringin'? Where's the tiny baby scene? You know, the part where angels sing about the Nazarene?"
(Chorus - The C&W Checklist - Refined) He said, "Son, here's the perfect country and western Christmas song: You already got the TRAIN that's been a-whistlin' all along. You got that rusty old TRUCK that's sittin' in the ditch. You mentioned that you miss your MAMA, ain't that a big ol' hitch? And the PRISON part's important, shows you're livin' on the edge, And you're still DRINKIN' hard beneath the lonely, frosty ledge." Yes, this is the perfect country and western Christmas song. Just make sure that the darn thing is at least three minutes long!
(Outro - The Philosophy) (Slow, guitar picking fades out) So I'll just sit here by the fire, with the bottle and the tears, And listen to that distant TRAIN that's been chuggin' for years. 'Cause if you wanna write a country song that truly cuts you deep... Well, Christmas is about the gifts you didn't get to keep. Merry Christmas, ya'll. (A lone, final guitar chord rings out.)

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(Verse 1 - The Setup) Well, I was sittin' 'round the cabin, snow was fallin' soft and deep My woman left last Tuesday, took the dog and all the sheep I tried to drown my sorrows in a glass of spiked eggnog But the only thing I'm feelin' is the lumberjack in the log. They say to write a country Christmas song, you gotta hit the marks The twinkle lights and Jesus, and the sound of jingle sparks. So I called up old Kris Kringle, said, "Buddy, hear me weep, I need a song to make the lonely cowboys nod their head and sleep." (Chorus - The C&W Checklist) So here's the perfect country and western Christmas song, I guess: It's got a TRAIN a-whistlin', comin' through the frozen mess. It's got a TRUCK broke down on I-10, stuck right in the sleet. It mentions MAMA cryin' 'cause she ain't got shoes on her feet. It mentions PRISON, maybe Santa went to jail for brawlin'. And it's gotta have me DRINKIN' 'cause the silent night is callin'. Yes, this is the perfect country and western Christmas song. And I'll be home for Christmas... but I'll be damn sure I'm alone. (Verse 2 - The Christmas Detail) I woke up Christmas mornin' to a stockin' full of coal, The only gift my woman left me was a great big, empty hole. I swear I saw a TRAIN go by, the freight was headed south, Leavin' me up in this mountain, snow stuck right inside my mouth. I tried to start my beat-up TRUCK, the engine just went clunk. If I could only get to town, I'd go and buy me a trunk Full of Tennessee whiskey, I'd DRINK it 'til I fall, Then stumble down to see the warden where they got a big brick wall... Wait a minute... (Bridge - The Spoken Interruption) (Slow, spoken, almost whispering) Now I told Kris, I said, "Kris, you're missin' the whole point. A Christmas song should have a point, a spiritual anoint. It needs to be uplifting, about peace and goodwill to men, It shouldn't be about a PRISON sentence or my drinkin' den! Where's the sleigh bells ringin'? Where's the tiny baby scene? You know, the part where angels sing about the Nazarene?" (Chorus - The C&W Checklist - Refined) He said, "Son, here's the perfect country and western Christmas song: You already got the TRAIN that's been a-whistlin' all along. You got that rusty old TRUCK that's sittin' in the ditch. You mentioned that you miss your MAMA, ain't that a big ol' hitch? And the PRISON part's important, shows you're livin' on the edge, And you're still DRINKIN' hard beneath the lonely, frosty ledge." Yes, this is the perfect country and western Christmas song. Just make sure that the darn thing is at least three minutes long! (Outro - The Philosophy) (Slow, guitar picking fades out) So I'll just sit here by the fire, with the bottle and the tears, And listen to that distant TRAIN that's been chuggin' for years. 'Cause if you wanna write a country song that truly cuts you deep... Well, Christmas is about the gifts you didn't get to keep. Merry Christmas, ya'll. (A lone, final guitar chord rings out.)

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