[Hook: Pub-rock male lead, pounding drums, crunchy rhythm guitar, raw shouting pub-rock vocal] In person only, that's what the lady said Six A.M. on the third floor, so I dragged myself from bed In person only, every Tuesday, here I go Tryin' so hard to quit the gym, I'm the strongest guy I know [Verse 1: Pub-rock male lead, driving bass guitar, fast pub-rock drums] Signed it in a January, full of cheese and big ideas Thirty-nine a month, and I ain't been in there for years Never touched a dumbbell, never parked out in the lot Just a little monthly charge for a body I ain't got So I called to cancel and the lady laughed a little Said you gotta come in person, Tuesday, six, and here's the riddle See Brad on the third floor, Brad's the only man who can And the elevator's broken, so I hope you got a plan First Tuesday, I'm wheezin' when I get up to his door Brad says where's your form B, man, come back next week for more [Hook: Pub-rock male lead, pounding drums, crunchy rhythm guitar, raw shouting pub-rock vocal] In person only, that's what the lady said Six A.M. on the third floor, so I dragged myself from bed In person only, every Tuesday, here I go Tryin' so hard to quit the gym, I'm the strongest guy I know [Verse 2: Pub-rock male lead, spotter shouts on the last beat, drums harder] Second Tuesday, form B, Brad says it needs a stamp From a notary in town, so I'm runnin' up the ramp Third Tuesday, Brad's in spin class, back in forty, take a seat So I hop on the rower just to feel somethin' in my feet Then I'm pullin' on the ropes 'cause the waitin' room is dead Then I'm squattin' with a grandpa 'cause he dared me, so I said Fourth Tuesday, Brad goes, we need to prove you never come So I gotta do the fitness test, and buddy, I was done Thirty push-ups, mile in eight, and a plank till I was purple Brad is lookin' at my chart like I'm some kind of miracle [Hook: Pub-rock male lead, pounding drums, crunchy rhythm guitar, raw shouting pub-rock vocal] In person only, that's what the lady said Six A.M. on the third floor, so I dragged myself from bed In person only, every Tuesday, here I go Tryin' so hard to quit the gym, I'm the strongest guy I know [Bridge: Pub-rock male lead, spotter shouts every bar now, the whole band shouting one more] Day thirty, take the stairs three at a time, I'm flyin' Brad holds out the form and says, you sure? I ain't lyin' Caught my arms in the glass by the water fountain light Shoulders like a mailbox and my shirt is way too tight Tore it up in pieces, said Brad, give me one more year One more, one more, I can't believe I'm still here [Final Hook: Pub-rock male lead, full band and the spotter shouting along, raw pub-rock vocal] In person only, that's what the lady said Six A.M. on the third floor, so I dragged myself from bed In person only, every Tuesday, here I go Tryin' so hard to quit the gym, I'm the strongest guy I know [End]
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