"New Achievement! You’ve survived the collapse of civilization but lost your pants!" "Reward? A Celestial-tier headache and a very, very angry Persian!" (Deep, breathy whisper) "Oh... and Carl... those arches are *sublime*." (Sudden percussive explosion) It was two in the morning, just a smoke in the snow Then the ceiling collapsed and the world had to go. Now I’m deep in a hole, sixty levels of hell With a bomb in my hand and a story to tell. I’m wearing pink Crocs and my boxers are torn While the galaxy watches with literal porn. I’m just trying to live, maybe blow up a wall But I’m stuck with a feline who’s ruining it all! (Rhythmic grunt: "HUH! HA!") Carl, look at my stats! I’m a star on the screen! The most beautiful crawler that you’ve ever seen! The Princess Posse is blowing up the chat While you’re looking like a hobo in a leather hat! (High-pitched feline trill: "Meow-ow-ow!") Goddamnit, Donut! Put the fireball down! You’re wearing a cursed and a blood-soaked crown! We’re live on the stream, we’re the stars of the show But you’re busy discussing your ex-owner’s beau! From the Goblins to Gnomes, it’s a total disaster I’m just the guy with the toes and the blaster. She’s the Princess of Chonk, I’m the guy in the mud Drowning in ratings and alien blood! (Power chord: "KABOOM!") CARL, BE REASONABLE! LOOK AT MY FUR! I’m a Grand Champion, don’t you dare "purr." I’ve adopted a dinosaur, Mongo’s his name He’s appalled by your lack of a social media game! (Dinosaur screech: "REEEEEEE!") The fans love my outfits, my spells are divine While you’re making a bomb out of lizard-folk wine. Stop being so "jaded," stop being so "gruff" Did you see what I posted? The fans can't get enough! (Music slows to a sexy, uncomfortable crawl) "Achievement Unlocked: Friendly Fire!" "Carl, your heels are looking... exceptionally calloused today." "Would you like a Bronze 'Foot-Lover' Box?" (Carl: "Get away from me, you weirdo!") (Sound of a typewriter on stimulants: "Tick-tick-tick-tick!") Donut: "CARL, WHY ARE WE IN A METH WAR WITH LLAMAS?" Carl: "BECAUSE OASIS IS BETTER THAN DRAMA!" Donut: "YOU JUST PULLED A MOB THAT’S TEN LEVELS HIGHER!" Carl: "BUT I LOOKED SO GOOD STANDING NEXT TO THE FIRE!" (Demonic growl) "**GODDAMNIT DONUT!**" Goddamnit, Donut! Stop typing in caps! We’re dodging the lasers and magical traps! We’re the Royal Court, or so you’ve decreed Surviving on loot boxes, spite, and greed. The world is a grinder, the AI is a creep And I haven’t had nearly enough hours of sleep! (Operatic high note) "**AND MY TOES ARE FREEZING!**" (Faint sound of a cat food can being cracked open: "Tsh-clink") Donut (Breathily female, echoing): "I do love you, Carl. Even if you suck at Call of Duty." Carl: "Yeah, yeah. Goddamnit, Donut." (Sound of a cat’s head-bump and a system chime: "Ding!")
