[Intro: cold synth pulse, metallic percussion] [Female vocal] The doors were sealed at midnight The windows frosted white A throne stood by the mixer Under one severe spotlight He entered without smiling In velvet, gold, and threat The promoter bowed and whispered: [Promoter] Ivan, please, just play the set. [Male spoken] I know exactly what I’m doing. [Verse 1] He opened with a funeral march At one hundred thirty-two Then mixed it into disco In a completely different key He pushed the gain to maximum Then muted every drum And stared across the dance floor As though the crowd were dumb He cued the second record Approximately one beat late Then blamed the western calendar And reorganized the state [Pre-Chorus] The dancers tried to follow But the rhythm changed again From techno into waltz time Then sharply back to ten The promoter leaned toward Ivan: [Promoter] Maybe let the track do the rest. [Male spoken] Silence is also music. [Chorus] Ivan the Terrible DJ set Every transition is a threat Drops too soon, then drops too late Nobody can locate the eight Ivan the Terrible DJ set Worst night Moscow won’t forget The bass is loud, the timing’s dead Ivan turned the whole mix red [Post-Chorus: crowd chant] One! Two! Three! Four! Where did all the rhythm go? One! Two! Three! Four! Ivan says he meant it so! [Verse 2] He banned all track requests Except the ones he made himself Then sentenced one old house groove To a dusty lower shelf He promoted one kick drum For exceptional attack Then exiled all the hi-hats And refused to bring them back He announced a flawless blend While both songs loudly fought One was in E minor The other one was not He slowed the room to ninety Then jumped to one-forty-five Three dancers lost the downbeat Two were barely still alive [Pre-Chorus] The resident DJ whispered: [Resident DJ] Try matching both BPMs. Ivan turned with icy calm: [Male spoken] They will match when I command them. [Chorus] Ivan the Terrible DJ set Every transition is a threat Drops too soon, then drops too late Nobody can locate the eight Ivan the Terrible DJ set Worst night Moscow won’t forget The bass is loud, the timing’s dead Ivan turned the whole mix red [Drop: chopped vocals] Too fast! Too slow! Where did the chorus go? Wrong key! No beat! Ivan calls it elite! [Verse 3] At two, he found the filter And would not let it rest He swept it back and forward For eleven minutes straight He pressed the sync button Then accused it of deceit He unplugged the left turntable To make the struggle complete The crowd began retreating In orderly defeat Ivan saw the empty floor And blamed them for the beat [Male spoken] The audience has failed the music. [Breakdown: near silence, low drone] [Female vocal] The manager approached him With diplomacy and care He said, “Your final track is ready” Ivan answered with a stare He selected something solemn Then forgot to press the cue The room stood still for seven seconds Unsure what it should do [Build] No kick! No bass! No rhythm in the place! One light! One throne! One furious royal face! Then someone hit the backup And the perfect groove began The crowd returned in seconds— Ivan raised his hand. [Male spoken] Exactly as I planned. [Final Chorus] Ivan the Terrible DJ set Every transition is a threat Drops too soon, then drops too late Nobody can locate the eight Ivan the Terrible DJ set Worst night Moscow won’t forget No beat matched, no lesson learned He cleared the floor, then took a bow [Final Post-Chorus] One! Two! Three! Four! Please don’t let him touch the floor! One! Two! Three! Four! He has found the filter once more! [Outro: filter sweep continues too long] [Promoter] Ivan, the club is closed. [Male spoken] Then why is the music still playing? [Promoter] Because you left the loop on.
