THE KNIGHTS OF BENDERSON

[Intro – bard voice, dramatic] Hear ye… hear ye… Gather round, ye noble few… For this is the tale… Of The Knights of Benderson… Bound not by honor… Nor by kingdom… …but by… BLOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD On one fateful eve When the sun did fall And the ales did flow There arose… THE KNIGHTS OF BENDERSON (guitar EXPLODES in) ⸻ [Verse 1] In a tavern dim where the ales ran free Stood a band of fools of great debauchery Tankards raised and voices loud Bickering songs before a crowd “Play my tune!”—“Nay, play fucking mine instead!” Steel of remotes above Soon the hour of power struck its head A cursed ritual—we were outta luck Goblets slammed in thunderous rage Bards of chaos upon the stage Voices cracked but spirits soared Like drunken gods we roared and roared ⸻ [Pre-Chorus] We swore “one drink…” (a foolish vow…) We swore “be calm…” (we broke it now…) ⸻ [Chorus – epic, fun] SATURDAY NIGHT—WE’RE FEELIN ALIVE DRINK TOO MUCH AND SOMEHOW SURVIVE BLAZE THE HERB—LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL KNIGHTS OF BENDERSON—WE LOSE CONTROL SATURDAY NIGHT—WHAT COULD GO WRONG WE’VE BEEN ASKING THAT ALL NIGHT LONG LAUGH IT OFF—‘TIS OUR GREAT PLAN WAKE AT DAWN LIKE “WHAT HAST HAPPENED, MAN??” ⸻ [Verse 2] Sir Belbosa, wild and cursed Did the drunken swerve the worst Challenged I to a duel of might But lost his footing in the fight Sir Pat the Brave, protector sworn Locked him fast in a grappling form “LEAVE MY BROTHERS!” loud he cried As Belbosa flailed, possessed inside Sir Harrison, unsteady knight Toppled all within his sight Tables fell and goblets flew Chaos reigned the whole night through We tried to halt his maddened quest But he fled like one possessed (spoken, dramatic) “I SHALL STRIKE THEE DOWN—HAVE DONE SO BEFORE!!!” …we all paused… “… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO — OVER MY FUCKING DEAD BODYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEYYEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH” ⸻ [Verse 3] Sir James atop the feast did stand In robe of dress, goblet in hand Sang a hymn of drunken grace Then tragedy struck his lower space — he peed himself aggressively Sir Matt inhaled the mystic leaf Coughed once—and became a chief Preaching meats as holy law “CAST OUT GREENS!” we stood in awe— EATTTT THE MEATTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSS Sir Evan raged against the gate Kicked it hard—tempted fate Toe was shattered—down he fell Now skweeping through a mortal hell Rolling, crying, lost in pain “I’VE SOILED MYSELFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF AGIAN — AHHHHH FUCK!” ⸻ [Chorus] SATURDAY NIGHT—WE’RE FEELIN ALIVE DRINK TOO MUCH AND SOMEHOW SURVIVE BLAZE THE HERB—LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL KNIGHTS OF BENDERSON—WE LOSE CONTROL ⸻ [Verse 4] Sir Pat reborn as healer divine Dragged men forth to the cleansing shrine “BATHE, MY BROTHERS!” he proclaimed Massaging backs without shame Lady Daniele, possessed by a spell- Cartwheeled wild through the village hell — Soon she stumbled, lost her grace Cast her thrown up fury in Lady Brenna’s case (dramatic pause) Lady Brenna… was displeased Sir Dave of Wheels, a reckless lord Drove his chariot through forest floor Blasting tunes of ancient might Hot-lapping realms throughout the night ⸻ [Bridge – epic tavern legend] Cloob De Vice—the cursed hall Where knights and fools did rise and fall Shots of Fernet burned like flame “TO LENARD’S KEEP!” the warriors came Into the woods, a drunken roam A quest we’d never bring back home Sir Matt once more was lost from sight (whisper) …as was tradition that night… Then rang a cry both loud and crude— “STRAIGHT NOOOOOODS!!!” And lo— The Fellowship did gather ‘round To watch the Rings of Lords renowned ⸻ [Final Chorus – massive, theatrical] SATURDAY NIGHT—WE’RE FEELIN ALIVE DRINK TOO MUCH AND SOMEHOW SURVIVE BLAZE THE HERB—LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL KNIGHTS OF BENDERSON—WE LOSE CONTROL SATURDAY NIGHT—WHAT COULD GO WRONG WE’VE BEEN ASKING THAT ALL NIGHT LONG LAUGH IT OFF—‘TIS OUR GREAT PLAN WAKE AT DAWN LIKE “WHAT HAST HAPPENED, MAN??” ⸻ [Outro – quiet bard voice] And as the sun did rise once more… The knights awoke… Bruised… broke… But wait one final query — where’s the fuck is Sir Matttttttt?”