[Sequence: Christmas Intro | Guitar Explosion | Verse 1 | Pre-Chorus | Chorus | Verse 2 | Chorus | Guitar Break | Verse 3 | Breakdown | Bridge | Final Chorus | Outro] [Intro | Gentle Sleigh Bells] [Soft Piano] My wife picked the movie. I picked the couch. I had absolutely no say in either decision. Ten minutes in... I knew we were in trouble. [Heavy Guitar Explosion] [Verse 1] She's some big-shot city woman with a job she apparently hates. Going home for Christmas because her flight got changed. She's barely crossed the town line when I know what's coming next... Some good-looking guy in flannel who just happens to be her ex. Of course he's single. Of course he's nice. Of course he never left. And let me guess... He owns something Christmas-related. [Band Stops] Christmas tree farm. There it is. [Pre-Chorus] I know this movie! I've seen this movie! They just changed everybody's names! Give me ten minutes, I'll tell you how it ends! [Chorus] DOWN WITH THE CHRISTMAS TREE FARM! DOWN WITH THE PERFECT SNOW! DOWN WITH THE HANDSOME GUY IN FLANNEL WHO NEVER LEFT HOME! She's got a career! She's got a plan! Give it ninety minutes, she'll be baking cookies with that man! I KNOW EXACTLY HOW THIS ENDS! AND I'M NOT FALLING FOR IT AGAIN! DOWN WITH THE CHRISTMAS TREE FARM! [Verse 2] There's a bakery on Main Street that's somehow going broke. Though everybody in the county buys six muffins everywhere they go. There's a Christmas festival Friday. Apparently it can save the town. I don't understand the business model... But nobody else seems worried about it now. There's skating. There's cocoa. There's a gazebo wrapped in lights. And nobody in this entire town appears to work at night. How are these people paying mortgages? Who plows the roads? Why does the mayor have enough free time to judge gingerbread homes? [Chorus] DOWN WITH THE CHRISTMAS TREE FARM! DOWN WITH THE MISTLETOE! DOWN WITH THE LITTLE HOMETOWN WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS! There's a parade! There's a dance! There's a handsome carpenter getting one suspicious second chance! I KNOW EXACTLY HOW THIS ENDS! SHE'S NEVER GOING BACK AGAIN! DOWN WITH THE CHRISTMAS TREE FARM! [Guitar Solo | Heavy Guitar with Absurd Sleigh Bells] [Verse 3] Halfway through the movie I notice something's changed. I'm still calling it ridiculous... But now I'm saying people's names. I'm wondering if the bakery is really gonna close. I'm getting slightly irritated that she can't see what everybody knows. And when that city boyfriend finally shows up Christmas Eve... I don't trust that bastard. Not one bit. Never did. Never will. [Pause] I've known him twelve minutes. But I know his type. [Breakdown | Bass and Drums] Now comes the misunderstanding. Saw that coming. She thinks Flannel Guy loves somebody else. Wrong. That's his sister. Knew it. Now she's leaving town. Don't do it. Don't— WHY ARE YOU GETTING IN THE CAR? TURN AROUND! [Heavy Guitar Slam] I mean... This movie is stupid. [Bridge | Half-Time] Then it starts snowing. Perfectly. Naturally. The bakery gets saved by financial methods nobody bothers explaining. The tree farm survives. Grandma cries. The whole town gathers around. And there I am... A grown man... Sitting on my own couch... Thinking... He better get to that damn gazebo before she leaves. [Drums Build] Come on, buddy. Move! MOVE! [Final Chorus] DOWN WITH THE CHRISTMAS TREE FARM! DOWN WITH THE PERFECT SNOW! DOWN WITH THE MOVIE I ALREADY KNOW! She'll quit that job! He'll save the farm! They'll kiss beneath the Christmas lights beside a renovated barn! I KNEW EXACTLY HOW THIS ENDS! SO WHY AM I CHEERING FOR THEM? DOWN WITH THE CHRISTMAS TREE FARM! [Gang Vocals] DOWN! DOWN! DOWN! [Male Vocal] THIS MOVIE'S TERRIBLE! [Gang Vocals] DOWN! DOWN! DOWN! [Male Vocal] COME ON, KISS HER ALREADY! [Massive Guitar Hit] [Outro | Crunchy Guitar Groove] Movie's over. Finally. What a load of crap. Completely predictable. Ridiculous story. None of that would ever happen. [Pause] I should go to bed. [Long Pause] Another one's starting. Some lawyer from Chicago just inherited an old inn. [Pause] Needs repairs. Of course it does. [Pause] There's a pickup truck pulling in. [Pause] Oh, for God's sake... He's wearing flannel. [Guitar Begins Building] No. I'm not doing this again. [Pause] ... I'll give it ten minutes. [Heavy Guitar Riff] Just until I find out who owns the truck. [Massive Final Chord] [End]
