[Intro – Deep, sinister spoken voice, thunder and creepy organ] From the bloodline of darkness… The terror of the night… The descendant of Dracula… I AM… COUNT FUCKUPULA! [Pause] Where the bloody hell’s me cape? [Verse 1 – Deep, serious, menacing vocals] My ancestors were legends, feared by every man, I carry all their evil, I’ve got murder in my plan. I’ve got the widow’s peak, I’ve got the fangs of death, I’ve got a family tree that steals your fucking breath! I’ve come to suck your blood tonight! Which toothy pegs do I use? I’ve got a mouthful of the bastards, But I can’t tell which ones to choose! [Pre-Chorus – Building tension] I am the darkness! I am the night! I am the creature that’ll give you a fright! I am immortal! I cannot die! [Beat stops] WHY’S THAT TODDLER LOOKING AT ME FUNNY?! [Chorus – Pounding house beat, sinister choir] COUNT FUCKUPULA! Terror of the night! COUNT FUCKUPULA! Can’t get one thing right! He’ll try to drink your blood, He’ll try to make you scream, But he’ll trip over his fucking cape And wake up from his dream! COUNT FUCKUPULA! The lord of all the damned! The most incompetent vampire In all the fucking land! [Verse 2 – Bouncy garage beat, serious delivery] I crept up on a stranger, as silent as the grave, My cape was flowing majestically, the image of the brave. I bared my fangs and whispered, “Human, you’re my prey!” My bloody foot got tangled up… And I fell into a tray! I tried to use compulsion, I stared into his eyes, I said, “You will obey me!” He said, “Mate, who are you?” I shouted, “YOU ARE UNDER MY CONTROL!” He told me to piss off… I said, “Well, that’s just rude!” [Bridge – Eerie strings, dramatic choir] My father was a monster, My grandfather was worse, My great-great-grandad Dracula Put the whole world under curse. But somewhere in the family, A terrible mistake was made… They gave me all the vampire genes… BUT LEFT THE FUCKING BRAINS! [Spoken – Deep, furious vampire voice] I FEAR NO MORTAL! I HAVE CONQUERED DEATH ITSELF! [Pause] Can somebody turn the night-light on? [Verse 3 – Fast, bouncy house/garage rhythm] I sleep inside a dog bed, sideways on my throne, I’ve got a silk-lined coffin, but I daren’t sleep alone. I hide beneath the covers when I hear a floorboard creak, But children under five years old are what make me weak! One little girl said, “You’re not scary!” I ran straight through the wall! I shouted, “THAT WAS TACTICAL!” Then tripped and had a fall! [Final Chorus – Maximum energy, pounding bass] COUNT FUCKUPULA! THE NIGHTMARE OF THE DEAD! COUNT FUCKUPULA! WITH A DOG BED FOR A BED! He’ll try to suck your blood! He’ll try to steal your soul! But he’ll get his cape caught in the door And lose control! COUNT FUCKUPULA! THE KING OF ALL THE NIGHT! COUNT FUCKUPULA! SOMEONE TURN THE FUCKING LIGHT! [Outro – Deep, sinister voice, music fades] Remember my name… Fear my might… I shall return… Tomorrow night… [Whisper] Can someone walk me upstairs? It’s dark. [A tiny dog barks] I’M NOT FUCKING SCARED! [Pause] …Is that the dog?
