[Cold Open] DING. [Female lift voice] Floor three. [Male] No it isn't. Doors close. [Verse 1] I pressed four. We're on three. There's a wedding here. Nobody seems particularly bothered that I'm not invited. Bloke by the ice machine just handed me champagne. I've been here eleven seconds. This is already better than four. [Build] Doors closing. [Male] Wait— Nah. Leave it. [Hook] Two— d oors open— no. Four— not mine— keep going. Six looks good from here. Mate— DON'T PRESS GROUND. DING. GOING UP. [Verse 2] Floor seven. Conference. Name badges. I've become Martin from Procurement. Martin's doing brilliantly. He's got a lanyard, half a Danish, and absolutely no idea what the company does. Someone asked for my forecast. I said— “Positive.” They wrote it down. [Short Lift Section] [Female voice] Floor nine. [Male] What's on nine? [Female voice] Floor nine. [Male] Useful. [Hook] Five— too quiet— next. Eight— nice carpet— tempting. Ten has music somewhere. Mate— DON'T PRESS GROUND. DING. DON'T PRESS GROUND. [Verse 3] Floor twelve. No corridor. Just a woman called Bev holding a birthday cake. She looks at me. I look at Bev. She says, “You're late.” Apparently I'm expected. At this point I'm past questioning things. Happy birthday, Colin. Whoever you are. [Break] [Male] I can't remember where I was going. [Final Build] [Female voice] Ground floor. [Male] No. [Female voice] Ground floor. [Male] Absolutely not. A hand reaches for the button. [Male, urgent] Mate. Mate. MATE— DON'T PRESS— [Huge silence] [Female voice] Going up. [Final Release] [Chopped crowd vocal] UP UP UP UP [Female voice] Going up. [Final Release] [Chopped crowd vocal] UP UP UP UP [Female voice] Going up. [Final Release] [Chopped crowd vocal] UP UP UP UP [Ending] [Female voice] Floor thirteen. [Male] Oh, that's not encouraging.
