# **ALOHA MEANS WAR** ### *The Pineapple Army's Chronicle of #Melongeddon* *[Distant surf. Wind through palms. A conch shell sounds.]* *[Then — marching drums.]* ## **[Spoken Intro — The Chronicle]** Hear now the tale of the Great Fruit War. When watermelon rose against watermelon, when the Melonomicon opened, when the Melon'ghul marched, and sensible men looked upon the battlefield and said, *"Absolutely not."* We looked upon it... put on our Hawaiian shirts... and said: **"Brah."** *[WAR DRUMS]* **"Somebody gotta fix this."** --- ## **[Verse 1 — The Watermelon Rising]** From the Archives came the warning, green beneath a blood-red sky, Fidget raised the cursed old volume— and the melons learned to fly! From the Hydroponic chambers, from the Tombs and through the wall, came the rolling Melon'ghul legions, **and there was no stopping them at all!** Turrets mounted! Wrenches swinging! Melon tanks began to roll! Someone yelled, *"WHO GAVE THEM ARMOR?"* No one there possessed control! Then beyond the smoking ridges, where the western ocean shone, came a sound across the water— **THE PINEAPPLE ARMY HAD COME!** --- ## **[Pre-Chorus]** Flowers on our shirts! Sunglasses on! Pineapples raised to the breaking dawn! No hate in our hearts! No fear in our eyes! Just tropical fruit... **AND A TERRIBLE SURPRISE!** --- # **[CHORUS]** **ALOHA!** **WE ANSWER THE CALL!** Through the juice and rind, we stand or we fall! **ALOHA!** **LET THE WAR DRUMS ROAR!** When the melons come rolling— **THE PINEAPPLES GO TO WAR!** From the mountains to the shoreline, hear the Pineapple Army roar! **MAHALO FOR THE WARNING—** ### **BUT ALOHA MEANS WAR!** --- ## **[Verse 2 — Landing of the Pineapple Army]** At dawn we made the landing, Hawaiian shirts in rank, ukuleles strapped beside us, pineapple cannon on the flank! The Melon'ghul stopped rolling. For one moment all was still. For even eldritch watermelons could recognize **tactical overkill.** The Archivist watched in silence. Mynxsi slowly shook her head. Fidget grinned and raised her wrench: *"I like these guys,"* she said. Then Pineapple raised his banner, golden crown against the sun: **"WE DIDN'T COME TO START THIS WAR—** ### **BUT BRAH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME FUN!"** --- # **[CHORUS]** **ALOHA!** **WE ANSWER THE CALL!** Through the juice and rind, we stand or we fall! **ALOHA!** **LET THE WAR DRUMS ROAR!** When the melons come rolling— **THE PINEAPPLES GO TO WAR!** From the mountains to the shoreline, hear the Pineapple Army roar! **MAHALO FOR THE WARNING—** ### **BUT ALOHA MEANS WAR!** --- ## **[Verse 3 — The Battle of Coconut Ridge]** On the slopes of Coconut Ridge, where the Melon banners flew, came three hundred rolling horrors— **and the Pineapple Ninety-Two.** Numbers favored watermelon. Logic said retreat. Then somebody brought a barbecue. And suddenly— **WE HAD MEAT.** *[Ukulele break]* *[Silence.]* *[Massive guitar riff resumes]* Pineapple took the high ground! Fidget fortified the beach! Melon'ghul broke through the center— then stopped just out of reach. For somebody yelled: ### **"FREE SNACKS!"** And the battle line collapsed. Historians still debate precisely what the heck occurred after that. --- ## **[Choir — Military Chant]** **RIND!** **STEEL!** **FIRE!** **FLAME!** Nobody remembers who started this game! **GREEN!** **GOLD!** **SIDE BY SIDE!** PINEAPPLE ARMY— ### **RIDE THE TIDE!** **RIND!** **STEEL!** **FIRE!** **FLAME!** WE CAME FOR PEACE— ### **AND FORGOT WHY WE CAME!** --- ## **[Verse 4 — The Siege of the Archives]** Then came the darkest morning. The great Melon engines rolled. Armored beasts with furnace hearts, their plated rinds like gold. Behind the Archive palisades, the final banners flew: Melon'ghul and renegades, and Pineapple's motley crew. The cannons roared till sunset. The sky turned green with flame. Nobody knew the battle plan. **We attacked all the same.** Fidget rode the siege beast, playing war chords through the smoke. Pineapple saw this happening— and finally understood the joke. This wasn't war for territory. No kingdom stood to fall. This was several hundred internet weirdos ### **YES-ANDING A BIT UNTIL IT CONSUMED US ALL.** --- ## **[Breakdown — Half-Time War March]** *[Pahu-style drums]* Who held the eastern gate? **PINEAPPLE!** Who brought drinks for everyone? **PINEAPPLE!** Who authorized the flaming fruit artillery? ... *[silence]* **WE DO NOT DISCUSS THAT.** Who faced the Melon Horde? **PINEAPPLE!** Who stood beside the Stacks? **PINEAPPLE!** And if Fidget opens another suspicious book? *[entire army]* ### **TAKE IT AWAY FROM HER!** *[Fidget, distant]* **"HEY!"** --- # **[FINAL CHORUS — DOUBLE TIME]** **ALOHA!** **WE ANSWERED THE CALL!** Through the juice and rind, we stood through it all! **ALOHA!** **LET THE WAR DRUMS ROAR!** When the melons came rolling— **THE PINEAPPLES WENT TO WAR!**
