THE KRAKEN AIN’T COMING Dark Comedy Rock-Rap / Apocalyptic Horror [INTRO — Deep, Gravelly British Male Voice, Spoken] Right, then… gather round, you paranoid sods. You’ve got your bloody sea monster, your conspiracy boards, Red string on the walls and a dozen locked doors. “The Kraken’s coming! We’re all gonna die!” Oh, do shut your gob, mate. It’s a fucking squid. [VERSE 1 — Heavy Bass, Marching Drums] You’ve been watching the ocean like it owes you a debt, With a tentacle theory and a nervous sweat. Got a lad called Barry with a map of the sea, Screaming, “Eight bloody arms are coming for me!” You’ve built your bunker, stocked beans for a year, Got a tinfoil hat and a face full of fear. You think some giant calamari’s the end of mankind? Mate, the Lord might arrive while you’re checking your Wi-Fi! [PRE-CHORUS — Drums Build, Female Backing Voices] Who’s at the door? — Nobody knows! What’s in the sky? — Something that glows! Where’s your escape plan? — Down the bloody drain! You wanted the answers… NOW HERE COMES THE MAIN EVENT! [CHORUS — Explosive Rock-Rap, Gang Vocals] THE KRAKEN AIN’T COMING! OI! OI! Put down your squid and look up at the sky! You’re shouting conspiracy, losing your head, While the heavens turn dark and the streetlights go dead! THE LORD’S COMING THROUGH — WELL, THAT’S YOUR BELIEF! No bloody monster’s gonna bring you relief! You laughed at the warning, you called it a joke— Now the whole damn world’s going up in smoke! [VERSE 2 — Faster Rap, Dark Humour] Then the clocks stop ticking. The birds fly away. The bloke selling doomsday hats has nothing to say. Every screen in the city goes blank at once, And Barry drops his squid while he’s eating his lunch. A preacher starts shouting, a skeptic starts praying, A billionaire’s shouting, “There’s a fee I ain’t paying!” The bunker door jams, and the generator dies, And someone yells, “WHO FORGOT TO PAY FOR SUPPLIES?!” The scientist’s calculating, the soldiers stand still, The politicians are arguing over who pays the bill. Then a voice rolls over everything that remains… And Barry whispers, “Fair play. That’s worse than tentacles, mate.” [BRIDGE — Slow, Eerie Choir, Distant Thunder] No trumpet you expected. No schedule. No sign. No chance to buy forgiveness At the end of the line. The oceans stay silent. The old world is gone. All your answers mean nothing When the final light’s withdrawn. Female backing vocals, haunting: No winners… no winners… [FINAL CHORUS — Huge Drums, Distorted Guitars, Shouted Vocals] THE KRAKEN AIN’T COMING! OI! OI! There’s no bloody squid gonna save you or fry! You fought over rumours, you screamed over lies, Now the whole human circus meets the end of its ride! THE LORD HAS COME — OR SO THE TALE GOES! The truth hits harder than anybody knows! No king, no prophet, no villain, no crown, Just the lights going out as the world winds down! [OUTRO — Spoken, Quiet, Disturbing British Voice] And Barry? Barry was right about one thing. Something was coming. Just wasn’t a squid. Long silence. “Anyone fancy a last cup of tea?” Click. [SFX: One kettle click. No whistle. Silence.] [FINAL WHISPER] Nobody wins, mate. Not even the bloody Kraken.
