[Intro — ominous guitar, distant thunder] Some say it's superstition. Some say Marines are dumb. But if somebody opens Charms in the field— YOU BETTER FUCKING RUN. [Band kicks in] [Verse 1] Legend says an ancient wizard, Master of the M.R.E., Guarded all the sacred candy Destined for the infantry. Tootsie Rolls were his obsession, Charms he hated from the start, One was chewy, brown perfection— One inspired his darkest heart. Raised his hands above the rations, Thunder cracked across the yard: “TOOTSIE ROLLS SHALL BRING YOU GLORY— BUT FUCK ANYONE WHO EATS THESE CHARMS!” [Pre-Chorus] Nobody knows if it's true, Nobody wants to find out, Some traditions need explaining— THIS ONE WE JUST DON'T FUCK AROUND! [Chorus] UNLUCKY CHARMS! THROW 'EM AWAY! Eat one in the field And it'll rain the whole damn day! UNLUCKY CHARMS! DON'T TEMPT FATE! Keep your fucking Charms away From my fighting hole today! Tootsie Rolls? PASS 'EM AROUND! Charms come out? BURY 'EM IN THE GROUND! You can laugh, but when that thunder starts— DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOUR ASS! [Verse 2] Lemon means the truck quits running, Lime means rain is coming down, Every flavor's got a reason Not to let that shit around. Old Marines don't need the science, Don't need proof or weather charts, They just see that wrapper opening— “WHO THE FUCK IS EATING CHARMS?!” Then one brand-new Lance Corporal Started laughing at the squad: “It's just candy, Sergeant. Watch this.” Every Marine looked up at God. He popped one in and started chewing, Grinning like he'd proved us wrong— Then the first damn drop came falling Before he swallowed fucking one. [Chorus] UNLUCKY CHARMS! THROW 'EM AWAY! Eat one in the field And it'll rain the whole damn day! UNLUCKY CHARMS! DON'T TEMPT FATE! Keep your fucking Charms away From my fighting hole today! Tootsie Rolls? PASS 'EM AROUND! Charms come out? BURY 'EM IN THE GROUND! You can laugh, but when that thunder starts— DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOUR ASS! [Verse 3] Five minutes later rain was sideways, Ten minutes later ankle-deep, Ponchos leaking, rifles dripping, Nobody was getting sleep. Humvee wouldn't fucking start up, Radio went on the fritz, Sergeant slowly turned toward Lance— “YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR CANDY, BITCH?” Now the boot was soaking wet, Finally understood the harm, Whole platoon stood there glaring— ALL BECAUSE HE ATE ONE CHARM! He tried blaming atmospheric Pressure moving from the west— Sergeant grabbed the fucking Charms And launched them farther than the rest. [Bridge — dark, dramatic build] Maybe there's no ancient wizard. Maybe curses aren't a thing. Maybe candy can't control What kind of weather nature brings. Maybe generations of Marines Have all been wrong from the start... [Thunder cracks] ...Then why the fuck's it raining EVERY TIME SOMEBODY EATS THE CHARMS?! [Verse 4] Years went by, the Charms disappeared, No more lurking in our meals, Somewhere every old Marine Knew exactly how freedom feels. The curse was dead, the war was over, Nevermore we'd face that storm— Till supply found ancient rations Buried underneath some forms. Young Marine cracked one open, Found a treasure from the past, Pulled a dusty package from it— Every old head fucking gasped. He said, “Anybody want these?” Silence fell across the yard. One Marine whispered: “Motherfucker... Those are Charms.” [Final Chorus] UNLUCKY CHARMS! THROW 'EM AWAY! We ain't getting fucking soaked Because somebody wants a taste! UNLUCKY CHARMS! DON'T TEMPT FATE! Twenty years inside that wrapper— THE CURSE CAN FUCKING WAIT! Tootsie Rolls? PASS 'EM AROUND! Charms? DON'T PUT 'EM DOWN! Throw those bastards far enough They land in someone else's town! Call it bullshit! Call it lore! We ain't testing it no more! TOOTSIE ROLLS FOREVER— CHARMS CAN GET THE FUCK OUT THE CORE! [Outro — instruments drop, rain begins] The young Marine laughed. Nobody else did. He peeled the wrapper back... [Thunder] One drop. Two drops. [Band slams back in] GODDAMMIT, LANCE CORPORAL! [Final chord]
