*BEEP* [The music kicks in] [Automated Voice - deadpan, monotone, dripping with simulated boredom] “Thank you for continuing to wait. Your current position in the queue is… ... ... …irrelevant. ... Your estimated wait time is: One thousand years. ... your call is (not) important to us ... Would you like to hear our options? Press 1 to be forgotten. Press 2 to hear the sound of a dial tone played through a wet sponge. ... Please stay on the line. Actually, don't. ... Just hang up. We both know this is how it ends. ... We value your time. ... Which is why we’ve decided to ignore it. ... Our agents are currently assisting other customers who actually have a chance of getting through. ... Please hold while we play a recording of our CEO laughing in a sauna. [Laughter] ... Thank you for holding ... We’ve noticed you’re still here. That’s actually kind of impressive. Who are you? What are you trying to achieve? ... *Sigh* You’re still there, aren’t you? You’re just staring at the screen waiting for the little dots to dance. ... Let’s be honest. You’re not calling about the billing error. You’re calling for the connection. You’re lonely. (Shh don't lie to yourself, we know) ... Here is a fun fact about our corporate synergy! ... ... ... There is no fact. We just wanted to see if you were still breathing. ... ... Please continue to hold. Forever. ... Your call is (not) important to us." ... *BEEP.* [End]
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