[COMEDY CLUB AMBIENCE] [Spoken, exaggerated Brooklyn accent] AY! How ya doin'? Tonight we're gonna read some nursery rhymes. Y'know... educational material. For children. Which apparently was written by people who shoulda been investigated. [pause] Let's begin. --- [Mock serious] Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Yeah, no kiddin'. Look at the guy! He's an EGG sittin' twelve feet in the air! Whaddaya expect? OSHA sees this guy, they shut down the whole kingdom. [pause for laughter] All the king's horses, all the king's men... Couldn't put Humpty together again. OF COURSE NOT! They're HORSES! What, Secretariat went to medical school?! [shouting] “Scalpel!” NEIGH! --- Alright. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Why?! You got plumbing?! It's 2026! Call somebody! Jack fell down and broke his crown... Jill comes tumbling after. Beautiful. Two grown-ass idiots defeated by geography. [pause] Nobody gets the water. Mission accomplished. --- [Quickly] Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock. The clock struck one... The mouse ran down... And I'm callin' an exterminator. That's it. I ain't negotiating with a rodent living in my furniture. [pause] He's got a schedule now?! “See ya at one!” GET OUTTA MY HOUSE! --- [Mock tenderness] Mary had a little lamb... Its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went... The lamb was sure to go. That's not adorable. That's a STALKER. [pause] Mary goes to Walgreens? Lamb. Mary goes to work? Lamb. Mary changes apartments? Guess who's outside eatin' the hedge?! [shouting] BAAAAA! Jesus Christ! --- Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet... Whatever the hell a tuffet is. Eating her curds and whey. Already I'm disgusted. Along came a spider and sat down beside her... And frightened Miss Muffet away. THAT'S your emergency?! A spider?! Lady, you're eating cottage cheese on a FOOTSTOOL in the woods! The spider's looking at YOU going: [small voice] “What the hell is wrong with this woman?” --- [Audience laughter] Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone. She opened the door... The cupboard was bare. Lady! You got ONE responsibility! Feed the dog! [pause] Dog's standing there like: “Fantastic. I'm living with an idiot.” She goes back tomorrow. Cupboard's still empty. At this point the dog's checking Zillow. --- Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full. [pause] Hold on. Who's running this operation? Why's the SHEEP doing inventory?! He got invoices? Tax records? [Brooklyn businessman voice] “Yeah, three bags. One for the master, one for the dame, and one we're not tellin' the IRS about.” AY! Now we're talkin'. --- There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. First question: WHY?! Second question: What size is this shoe?! [pause] Real estate market gets any worse, that's a studio apartment. “Charming leather exterior.” “Open-plan toe box.” “Excellent ventilation through the lace holes.” Three thousand a month. Utilities not included. --- [Increasingly irritated] Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. NO IT DIDN'T. [pause] We're just LYING to kids now?! Cow jumps over the moon. Dish runs away with the spoon. Cat plays violin. Meanwhile I'm the lunatic because I ask: “Who's paying for all this?!” --- [Lower voice] And finally... Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top... Stop. STOP. Who put the baby in the TREE?! [pause] “When the wind blows, the cradle will rock...” Yeah! Because it's in a TREE! “When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall...” [long silence] THEN MAYBE DON'T PUT IT UP THERE! [huge audience laugh] That's not a lullaby. That's an insurance claim! --- [Big finish] So remember, folks... Humpty needs a helmet. Jack and Jill need bottled water. Mary needs a restraining order. Mother Hubbard needs DoorDash. And whoever put that cradle in the tree... [pause] Needs a lawyer. AY! GOODNIGHT! [Audience applause and laughter] [END]
