[Intro — bright brand sting, uncanny jingle cheer] [Verse 1 — glossy, proud] Gather round the screen now — holy cow, just look at the size, two quarter-pound patties and a sauce I improvised. I don't know how to attack it, there's so much going on, but I love this — here's the word — this product. Sing along. I'm the man they pay to praise it, and they pay me with a smile, so I'm gonna do a tasting… for my lunch… in a little while. [Pre-chorus — the tell] Watch me take the bite — (the smallest bite you've seen) — watch the camera cut before I ever swallow clean. Save it for my lunch, friends, you can take me at my word: I run the whole religion. I just won't taste the Lord. [Chorus — maximum gloss] I love this product! (it is so good!) I'd eat one every day — if a CEO could. It's a big bite for a Big Arch, it's distinctively divine — I love this product! Now watch me hold it to the line — take the smallest little— [Heckle 1 — music drops out, dry spoken, sparse] …this man does not eat here. Look at him. He'd read the ingredients off the back of a banana. He'd check an orange for a warning label. He'd ask an apple for a source. One product, please. Hold the food. …only thing missing's a napkin. [Verse 2 — GRAS reveal, still proud, music curdling underneath] Now you're asking who inspects it, who decides that it's alright — funny that you mention, it's a panel. Mine. Tonight. I hired my own experts — and my experts are the best — they read my secret data, gave themselves the safety test. Generally recognized as safe — by me, by us, by we, and I never told the regulator, that's the beauty, don't you see? Since 'ninety-seven I'm the priest and the choir and the pew, I bless my own communion and I ladle it to you. [Chorus 2 — same words, the sweetness now rotten] [Bridge — gloss drops to something tender, then chilling] And I get them young. Before the alphabet. Before they read. Sixty-three little kids, identical food on identical trays — I wrapped a plain little carrot in my colours, and they swore it tasted like heaven. I didn't change the carrot. I changed the child. That's the product. That's the miracle. I don't sell food. I sell the wanting — and the wanting starts at three. [Heckle 2 — harder] He won't eat it. He won't show you the data on the ingredients he wrote himself. He'll read a banana like a contract, and feed your kid a faith he will not swallow. …only thing missing's a napkin. [Outro — full rot, hollow and distorted] I love this product. (it is so good.) I'd eat one every day — if a CEO could. Hold it to the camera. Take the bite. [cut] I'll finish it… later. Off camera. Trust me. …holy cow.
