[INTRO — VINYL CRACKLE. THREE OMINOUS DETUNED MUSIC-BOX NOTES. A LOW ELECTRONIC HUM. DRY FINGER SNAP. NO MELODY BUILD.] [MALE — DEEP, DRY, SPOKEN] Tried to sell a mattress yesterday. Apparently... It's a medical device. [PAUSE] Well, I'll be buggered. [DROP — MASSIVE DISTORTED SLIDING 808 BASS. HARD DRY KICK. AGGRESSIVE COWBELL HOOK. SHARP SNARE. FAST TRIPLET HI-HATS.] [VERSE 1 — DEEP MALE, LAZY RHYTHMIC RAP] Woke up Monday, feeling fine, Thought I'd sell some stuff online. Took a photo, wrote a price, Clean old mattress, looking nice. Hit the button, watched it spin, Little robot wouldn't let me in. Said my bed was medical gear, What the bloody hell is happening here? [MALE — SPOKEN] It's a mattress, mate. Not an operating theatre. [SHORT BASS SLIDE — THREE COWBELL HITS] [PRE-CHORUS — MALE, RHYTHMIC] Click! Submit! Wait! Rejected! Click! Appeal! Sorry! Detected! [CHORUS — DEEP MALE, EXTREMELY CATCHY REPETITIVE CHANT] DECLINED! DECLINED! DECLINED BY THE ALGORITHM! [LOW MALE GANG RESPONSE] Computer says no! DECLINED! DECLINED! DECLINED BY THE ALGORITHM! [LOW MALE GANG RESPONSE] Computer says no! [MALE — RHYTHMIC CHANT] Can't buy that! Can't sell this! Can't appeal! Computer says... NO! NO! NO! [808 BASS DROP — AGGRESSIVE COWBELL LOOP] [INSTRUMENTAL — 32 BARS. CRUSHING 808 GLIDES. DETUNED COWBELL HOOK. DRY HALF-TIME DRUMS. STUTTERING HI-HATS. EERIE MUSIC-BOX NOTES. NO VOCALS.] [VERSE 2 — MALE, LOW SMOKY RAP] Went down shopping, feeling sweet, Wanted something good to eat. Grabbed a chocolate, just one bar, Didn't think I'd get that far. Tapped my card, the screen went red, Little robot shook its head. Said my sugar score was high, Suggested celery instead. [MALE — SPOKEN, INCREDULOUS] Celery? For chocolate? You can shove that up your USB port. [BEAT CUT — VINYL SCRATCH] [CHORUS — MALE, LOW GANG CHANTS] DECLINED! DECLINED! DECLINED BY THE ALGORITHM! Computer says no! DECLINED! DECLINED! DECLINED BY THE ALGORITHM! Computer says no! Can't buy that! Can't sell this! Can't appeal! Computer says... NO! NO! NO! [INSTRUMENTAL — 48 BARS. DISTORTED 808 SLIDES. HEAVY MEMPHIS COWBELL RIFF. BASS MARIMBA PLAYS A QUIRKY MINOR-KEY PATTERN. REVERSED MALE VOCAL CHOPS. GLITCHED DIGITAL BEEPS. HI-HATS BUILD AND CUT. MASSIVE SUB-BASS RETURNS.] [VERSE 3 — MALE, DEADPAN RAP] Tried to call a human being, Couldn't find a soul worth seeing. Pressing one and pressing two, Robot says, "How can I help you?" Told it what was going wrong, Played me automated songs. Said my problem had been solved, Then the bloody thing logged off. [MALE — SPOKEN] I'd like to speak to a manager. [LOW MALE ROBOTIC VOICE] Your manager has been discontinued. [MALE] Of course he bloody has. [BRIDGE — ALL DRUMS DROP OUT. ONE DETUNED MUSIC-BOX NOTE. LOW SUB PULSE.] [MALE — QUIET, DRY SPOKEN] I can order a rocket. I can buy a drone. I can talk to a robot On my telephone. But I can't sell a mattress, Can't buy a bloody snack. And when I ask for reasons... The robot won't talk back. [PAUSE] [LOW MALE ROBOTIC VOICE] Your complaint has been received. Estimated response time... Forty-seven years. [MALE — DEADPAN] Beauty. I'll put the kettle on. [BUILD — SOLO COWBELL RIFF. TRIPLET HI-HATS. BASS MARIMBA JOINS. MASSIVE DISTORTED 808 RISES.] [FINAL CHORUS — MALE, HARD REPETITIVE GANG CHANT] DECLINED! DECLINED! DECLINED BY THE ALGORITHM! Computer says no! DECLINED! DECLINED! DECLINED BY THE ALGORITHM! Computer says no! DECLINED! DECLINED! DECLINED BY THE ALGORITHM! Computer says no! [MALE — RHYTHMIC CALL AND RESPONSE] Can I buy it? NO! Can I sell it? NO! Can I appeal it? NO! Can I speak to someone? [COMPLETE SILENCE] [LOW MALE ROBOTIC VOICE] NO. [FINAL INSTRUMENTAL — 48 BARS. MASSIVE DISTORTED SLIDING 808. AGGRESSIVE DETUNED COWBELL. BASS MARIMBA. HARD DRY DRUMS. RAPID HI-HAT ROLLS. REPETITIVE HYPNOTIC GROOVE. DIGITAL GLITCHES AND VINYL CRACKLE.] [MALE — LOW SPOKEN OVER FADING BEAT] You know what? I'm keeping the bloody mattress. [PAUSE] [LOW MALE ROBOTIC VOICE] Storage of unauthorised medical equipment... Is prohibited. [MALE] OH, PISS OFF! [VINYL SCRATCH. HARD STOP.]
