5. Half Past Three

Half past three and the fridge starts talking like it knows something I don't Blue light on the ceiling phone face down because even my bad habits need a night off The whole flat is breathing pipes in the walls old wood complaining like it pays rent I count the cracks then count what I said wrong then count the years since I meant it Nothing is happening that's the problem no fire no flood no dramatic scene Just me and my brain in a locked room going over old footage in high definition Half past three and everyone I love is asleep or pretending Half past three and every small mistake gets promoted to ending I tell myself tomorrow will be kinder but tomorrow works days So I lie here awake while the dark rearranges my face I remember a look from 2009 somebody's kitchen somebody's birthday I remember a joke that landed wrong then stood in the corner for thirteen years I remember my mother saying you're tired like tired was a country I could leave But the bed is a courtroom the pillow's a witness and sleep is refusing to speak Nothing is happening that's the problem no sirens no storm no villain to name Just the ceiling above me wide awake too taking notes on the shape of my shame Half past three and everyone I love is asleep or pretending Half past three and every small mistake gets promoted to ending I tell myself tomorrow will be kinder but tomorrow works days So I lie here awake while the dark rearranges my face Don't think about death so I think about taxes Don't think about love so I think about texts Don't think about time so I open a window and ask the city what happens next Some people sleep like they've been forgiven I sleep like I owe somebody money I sleep like the room has questions I sleep like tomorrow is watching The moon looks tired too The streetlamp keeps blinking The neighbour upstairs walks to the bathroom and somehow that feels personal "half past three" "not now" "not again" What if I wasted it What if I missed it What if the good years came dressed as ordinary minutes What if I'm difficult What if they know it What if I heal and still don't know where to put it What if the silence is not an answer What if the panic is just bad weather What if I let this night pass through me without calling it forever Half past three and everyone I love is asleep or pretending Half past three and every old regret finds a new beginning I tell myself tomorrow will be kinder even if it comes late So I lie here awake and let the dark rearrange then return my face "not forever" "not forever" "not forever" Half past three still here