[Intro - Lively banjo and fiddle intro. The band stops suddenly.] [Spoken] Folks always say... "It's not the size of the boat..." Well... Nobody ever warned me about the length of the voyage. [Verse 1 - Acoustic guitar and light brushes. Tell the story with a grin.] The boys all brag 'bout going all night long, Me? I'm finished before we've begun. I kiss her lips, dim the light... Then I'm saying, "That was great, honey... goodnight!" It takes longer pumping gas in my truck, Than a quick little f............... umble She lights a candle, pours some wine... I'm already apologising by quarter past... nine. [Audience chuckles] [Pre-Chorus - Fiddle answers each vocal line.] Lord above, What can I say? I'm today's news... Arriving yesterday. [Chorus - Full band joins. Audience claps along.] I've got fifteen seconds of fame, Blink once—you'll miss the game. Strike a match, watch it burn, She said "It's my turn now", with deep concern Cupid gave me rocket fuel, Forgot to teach me one simple rule. If speed was an Olympic race, I'd win the gold... And always come in first place [Crowd cheers] [Verse 2 - Banjo becomes more playful. Piano joins.] Microwave popcorn takes more time. Even Cup-a-Soup's a slower climb. The pizza guy ain't reached my drive... Before I've crossed the finish line. I whisper in her ear, "Hey, you there yet?" She says, "Honey, I'm not even wet" Even Barry White's still warming up, While I'm rinsing out my dirty sock My lawn mower takes a longer pull, Even my old tractor's got more fuel. The microwave's still counting down... While I'm tying up my dressing gown [Big laugh] [Bridge - Band drops to upright bass and piano.] Doctor says, "Count backwards from a hundred." I said... "Doc... I barely get to sixty nine." [Audience laughs] She bought a brand-new silk negli-shay... I admired the stitching... That was the hardest part of the day. (Know what I mean boys?) Even Google Maps says, "You have arrived." [Huge laughter] [Instrumental - 30-second fiddle and banjo duel. Crowd clapping in rhythm. Piano solo. Whistles. Barroom atmosphere.] [Verse 3 - Band returns with extra energy.] She's still picking out the perfect song, I've already proved everybody wrong. The hotel says, "Check-out's soon." I say... "We'll be home by noon." My fireworks skip straight to the grand finale. I'm the king of anti-climax you see Even instant noodles shake their head, Saying, "Mate... You should've delayed." The neighbours thought we'd just hugged hello. Even my Fitbit says, "Surely... no?" [Audience roaring] [Final Chorus - Biggest singalong. Add gang vocals.] I've got fifteen seconds of fame, Ain't got no long game One hundred metres, marathon pace, Can't even look at her face. Cupid should've packed a longer fuse, Instead he fitted me with racing shoes. Call me lightning... Call me quick... Call me anything... Just don't call me for an encore! I can't give you any more! [Spoken] Well, not until next week, at least [All clap] Hey! Hey! Hey! [Outro - Band stops. [Spoken] My wife still loves me... She says... "I've had longer sneezes." "At least you're never there long enough to give me any diseases." [Audience erupts with laughter and applause.] [Fiddle plays one final cheeky lick.]
