**[Verse 1 – The First Wrong Bedroom] I went to the pub for a pint or two, Just a quiet little drink, as good men do, But Mick bought a round, and then came Sean, And somebody shouted, "The whiskey's on!" We sang about Ireland, the girls and the sea, And drank to the men we would rather not be! **[Verse 2 – The First Wrong Bedroom]** I staggered outside with me hat on me head, And followed a sign that said “Lodging and Bed.” I climbed up the stairs and I opened a door, Then tripped on a chamber pot flat on the floor! I crawled into bed with a terrible groan, And thought to meself, “Sure, I'm finally home!” But someone cried out, “Who the devil are you?!” So I grabbed me trousers and flew like a shoe! **[Verse 3 – The Second Mistake]** I ran down the hallway and turned to the right, Then stumbled upstairs in the dead of the night. I found me a bed with a blanket of blue, And whispered, “Sweet dreams, me old mattress, to you!” But up jumped a fellow as big as a bull, With a beard like a broom and a face full of wool. He shouted, “You rascal! You've come to the wrong room!” I said, “Then I'll leave, sir, and give you more room!” **[Verse 4 – The Lady in the Night]** I wandered through corridors, left and then right, Till a beautiful woman appeared in the night. She looked at me kindly and shook her fair head, Then pointed a finger and said, “There's a bed!” “Kind lady,” I cried, “I've been lost since the pub! I've searched every hallway and room in this club. If you'll let me rest till the morning bells ring, I'll tell you a song and I'll buy you a ring!” She laughed till she cried, then she showed me the way, And said, “You'll regret this by break of the day!” I thanked her politely, then fell with a bump, And landed face-first in a laundry-room dump! **[Verse 5 – The Morning After]** The sun hit me square like a cannonball blast, And I prayed that the night hadn't really gone past. Me head was a drum and me tongue was a shoe, And every small noise sounded twice, maybe two! I opened me eyes and I gave a great shout, For the woman beside me had figured me out! She smiled like an angel, then gave me a kiss, And said, “Good morning, you drunken old bliss!” **[Verse 6 – The Terrible Truth]** I looked at her face and I nearly fell dead, For I'd finally found me own matrimonial bed! Me beautiful wife had been waiting all night, While I'd wandered the house like a fool in a fight! She brought me some tea and a cold piece of toast, Then said, “You're the husband I love the most! But next time you go on a whiskey-filled spree, You'll sleep with the pigs — and they'll snore louder than me!” **[Final Chorus – Everybody Roaring]** Oh, I've found me bed, and I've found me door, And I swear I'll get lost nevermore! I'll drink no more whiskey, I'll touch not a dram, I'll be a good husband — the very best man! Hey! Ho! The whiskey was strong! Hey! Ho! The night was too long! So here's to good wives, the finest of friends, Who forgive all our foolishness time and again! **[Outro – Spoken, with a final fiddle flourish]** And Paddy kept his promise for a week and a day... Till Mick came around with a jug of the stuff, And shouted, “Come on, Paddy! One drink's not enough!” Paddy looked at his wife, then he looked at the door... “Ah, sure, just one little pint can't hurt anymore!” **[Everybody shouts]** “PADDY, YOU'LL NEVER FIND YOUR BED!” “THEN I'LL JUST SLEEP HERE IN THE PUB!”
