Potatoematoe

[Intro – eerie restaurant ambience, plates clinking, distant accordion] [Luigi – calm] “Tonight… special.” [Customer] “What is it?” [Luigi] “Potatoematoe.” [Customer] “...Potato what?” [Luigi] “Potatoematoe.” [Customer] “Is that a potato or a tomato?” [Luigi] “Yes.” (RECORD SCRATCH — crushing riff) [Verse 1 – rhythmic nu-metal delivery] Walked into Luigi’s, hungry as hell Saw something on a plate that I couldn't identify well Looked like a potato, red around the side Little tomato bumps where the potato should divide Luigi brought it over, said “very fresh” I poked it with a fork and immediately felt stressed Cut through the middle what the hell did I see? Half potato flesh and tomato seeds looking back at me Took one bite just to see what it was First came the starch, dry as dust Then tomato juice exploded in my mouth Acid hit the potato and the whole thing went south Potato on my tongue Tomato in my teeth Something wet and grainy Is crawling underneath [Customer] “WHY IS IT JUICY?!” [Luigi – calm] “Tomato.” [Pre-Chorus – melodic tension] Dry on the outside... Wet underneath... Flowery little chunks And tomato pulp on my teeth... I don't know what I'm eating... I don't know what it means... [Chorus – huge emotional hook] POTATOEMATOES! FIFTY PERCENT POTATO! FIFTY PERCENT TOMATO! ONE HUNDRED PERCENT WRONG! POTATOEMATOES! BOIL ’EM, MASH ’EM! STICK ’EM IN A STEW! I TOOK ONE BITE WHAT THE HELL DID LUIGI DO?! POTATO! TOMATO! WHY ARE THEY BOTH INSIDE?! POTATOEMATOES! I THINK I JUST ATE A LIE! --- [Verse 2 – heavier guitars] Table two got theirs roasted in a pan Luigi said, “Trust me, this is how we do it, man” Skin got crispy Inside got soft Tomato started leaking Like the vegetable got lost Lady at table four said, “I'll have mine mashed” Luigi grabbed a bowl and started moving way too fast Potato turned fluffy Tomato turned slime He mixed them both together and called it “family style” [Customer #2] “THAT IS NOT MASHED POTATOES!” [Luigi] “Is better.” [Customer #2] “THERE ARE SEEDS IN IT!” [Old Man Frank – still eating] “Little tangy.” Luigi brought another plate Nobody asked him to Red chunks in the potato Like tomatoes broke through One guy tried the fries One guy tried the stew One guy took a single bite And quietly said: [Customer #3] “I think I'm through.” [Pre-Chorus – building tension] Starch on the fork... Seeds in the bowl... Every time he serves one Another piece starts to roll... Why does it look like both vegetables Are trying to escape? Why did Luigi just say... [Luigi – calm] “Next course.” [Chorus – bigger] POTATOEMATOES! FIFTY PERCENT POTATO! FIFTY PERCENT TOMATO! ONE HUNDRED PERCENT WRONG! POTATOEMATOES! BOIL ’EM, MASH ’EM! STICK ’EM IN A STEW! I TOOK ONE BITE WHAT THE HELL DID LUIGI DO?! POTATO! TOMATO! THE TEXTURE'S MAKING ME CRY! POTATOEMATOES! I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE I BITE! --- [Bridge – eerie clean guitar, whispered vocals] Why is it crunchy... Why is it soft... Why is it somehow... Both? I can taste the potato... I can taste the tomato... But somewhere in between... There is something... WRONG. --- [Breakdown – crushing half-time riffs] BOIL ’EM! MASH ’EM! STICK ’EM IN A STEW! BOIL ’EM! MASH ’EM! WHAT THE HELL DID LUIGI DO?! CUT ’EM! FRY ’EM! THROW ’EM IN THE PAN! POTATO! TOMATO! I DON'T UNDERSTAND! (guitar stops) [Customer] “LUIGI!” (silence) [Luigi – calm] “Yes?” [Customer] “WHAT IS A POTATOEMATOE?!” [Luigi] “Potato.” (pause) [Luigi] “Tomato.” (pause) [Luigi] “Together.” (MASSIVE RIFF) [Everybody] “THAT DOESN'T ANSWER ANYTHING!” --- [Final Chorus – massive layered vocals] POTATOEMATOES! FIFTY PERCENT POTATO! FIFTY PERCENT TOMATO! ONE HUNDRED PERCENT WRONG! POTATOEMATOES! BOIL ’EM, MASH ’EM! STICK ’EM IN A STEW! THEY'RE DRY! THEY'RE WET! THEY'RE BOTH! WHAT THE HELL DID LUIGI DO?! POTATO! TOMATO! MY MOUTH HAS BEEN BETRAYED! POTATOEMATOES! THE WORST VEGETABLE EVER MADE! --- [Outro – restaurant ambience returns] (distant coughing, forks scraping plates) [Luigi – calm] “Anybody want another?” [Customer] “No.” (pause) [Old Man Frank] “I'll take two.” [Customer] “FRANK, NO!” [Luigi] “Extra tomato?” [Old Man Frank] “Sure.” (single distorted guitar note) [Luigi] “Potatoematoe.” (dead silence)