**[INTRO - Spoken]** This is Channel Eight News. We interrupt our regular programming for a developing emergency. Authorities are asking everyone to remain indoors. We are now switching to aerial coverage LIVE --- **[VERSE 1]** At 8:14 this morning, witnesses reported movement above the eastern skyline. Initial reports described the object as a loose advertising display. Officials believed the situation would resolve itself naturally. Officials... Were mistaken. The object has now exceeded every projected altitude. Traffic has completely stopped. Emergency services are requesting additional support. --- **[PRE-CHORUS]** It doesn't appear to have a destination. It doesn't appear to have a purpose. It only appears... To wave. --- **[CHORUS]** Ladies and gentlemen... The inflatable has reached downtown. I repeat... The inflatable has reached downtown. Entire buildings have disappeared beneath uncontrolled arm movement. Please stay indoors. Please remain calm. Please... Stay away from the waving. --- **[VERSE 2]** Military helicopters have established visual contact. The pilots describe the target as... "Unusually enthusiastic." Missiles have proven ineffective. The fabric continues oscillating. Structural engineers are no longer making predictions. They're simply leaving. --- **[PRE-CHORUS]** It's smiling. It's still smiling. Nothing... Should be smiling right now. --- **[CHORUS]** Ladies and gentlemen... The inflatable has entered the financial district. Multiple skyscrapers have suffered catastrophic... ...high-fives. This is no longer considered a weather event. This is now... An active promotional incident. --- **[BRIDGE]** Power lines. Office towers. Police cruisers. News helicopters. Everything within reach... Keeps getting slapped. Our radar indicates increasing oscillation. Wind speeds remain normal. Logic... Does not. --- **[FINAL CHORUS]** This is Channel Eight News. If you can still hear this broadcast... Avoid all unnecessary travel. Avoid all elevated roadways. Avoid all arm movement. The inflatable remains... Extremely... Enthusiastic. We'll continue our coverage... As long as... Our building... Remains standing.
