[INTRO — spoken, overly professional] “What do you do for a living?” Well… I prefer not to use the traditional terminology. I’m an Underwater Ceramics Technician. [VERSE 1] I don't wash dishes, I facilitate The post-consumption sanitation state I handle porcelain, glass, and steel Through a specialized cleansing wheel I don't scrape gravy from a plate I perform culinary residue abatement I don't stand behind the kitchen sink I oversee aquatic particulate removal, I think [PRE-CHORUS] So if you ask me what I do I'll give you the title that's technically true— [CHORUS] I'm an Underwater Ceramics Technician! A highly trained professional in the field Of post-meal crockery rehabilitation And making dirty plates yield I'm not a dishwasher! That's terribly outdated terminology! I'm an Underwater Ceramics Technician! Please respect my occupational taxonomy! [VERSE 2] My workplace has a sink, but that's not all I monitor detergent levels and waterfall I coordinate with forks and spoons And maintain optimal plate-to-rack platoons When someone's left a pan of baked-on cheese That's not a problem—it's a cleansing opportunity I don't complain when the workload grows I simply increase my throughput ratios [PRE-CHORUS] And when the chef says, “Hey, can you wash these?” I smile politely and say— [CHORUS] I'm an Underwater Ceramics Technician! A specialist in edible aftermath I facilitate the restoration Of every plate, cup, bowl, and glass I'm not a dishwasher! Please don't reduce my role to such a phrase! I'm an Underwater Ceramics Technician! I optimize the dinnerware cleansing phase! [BRIDGE — increasingly ridiculous corporate jargon] I am a vessel sanitation engineer! A cutlery decontamination liaison! A porcelain rehabilitation coordinator! A crockery lifecycle restoration professional! I manage dish-adjacent infrastructure! I optimize aqueous cleaning deployment! I facilitate ceramic renewal! I— [PAUSE] …wash dishes. [BREAKDOWN — shouted] YOU WASH DISHES! [VERSE 3 — resigned] Okay, technically, yes, I wash dishes But there's nuance that my résumé establishes I have skills! I have credentials! I have mildly concerning chemical knowledge! I know exactly how much soap A commercial sink can legally—or probably—cope And when the dinner rush begins to roar I'm the man they call when there are no clean plates left anymore [FINAL CHORUS — huge, triumphant] I'm an Underwater Ceramics Technician! And I'm damn good at what I do! I take your filthy plates and make them Look suspiciously brand new! Call me dishwasher if you must! I've made my peace with the nomenclature! But deep inside my heart remains A very specialized ceramics infrastructure! [OUTRO — spoken, exhausted] “So… you're a dishwasher?” … “Underwater Ceramics Technician.” “Right.” “…Yes.” [FINAL WHISPER] Please put that on my name tag.
