The Gentleman's Guide To Domestic Catastrophe

british hip hop, electro-swing, electro funk (boombap/electro-swing fusion)

[Intro]
[Turntable scratch]
[Jolly piano riff]
Greetings, gentlemen of the realm!
Finding yourself in the proverbial doghouse?
Fear not, for I have the solutions!
(Just do exactly as I say!)

[Verse One]
Did you forget the anniversary of your sacred wedding day?
Do not panic, my good fellow, simply pivot and downplay!
Look her squarely in the retina and confidently state,
That the concept of linear time is remarkably out of date.
Inform her that you celebrate the essence of her soul,
Not an arbitrary number on a calendrical scroll.
When she throws a heavy vase at your unsuspecting head,
Simply catch it with a flourish and pretend to drop down dead.
(Works every time!)

[Chorus]
Oh, the gentleman's guide to domestic bliss!
Just apply a bit of logic when the missus gets remiss!
If she is cross about your habits or your lack of basic care,
Simply offer an apology with condescending flair!
(So incredibly helpful!)

[Verse Two]
Has she caught you leaving garments on the bedroom chamber floor?
Tell her it is modern art and she should study it some more!
If she asks you to assist her with the washing of the plates,
Say your hands are far too delicate for scrubbing off the bates.
Better yet, apply a principle from office I.T. staff,
When she starts to voice a grievance, give a supercilious laugh.
Tell her she is glitching out and needs a sudden reboot,
Then unplug the television and go practice on your flute.

[Bridge]
[Beat cuts to just acoustic bass and finger snaps]
Now, communication is a thoroughly overrated skill.
Why express your inner feelings when you have a pint to spill?
If she mentions couples therapy to rectify the flaw,
Counter-offer with a visit to her dreadful mother-in-law.
[Horns swell back in]

[Verse Three]
When she cooks a lovely dinner and it tastes a little dry,
Do not suffer in a silence, give a deeply heavy sigh.
Suggest she takes a lesson from a proper local chef,
Or pretend the chewing deafened you and now you are quite deaf.
If she asks if this specific dress is making her look wide,
Say it is not just the fabric, it is everything inside!
Honesty is policy, as Winston Churchill said,
Now enjoy your peaceful slumber in the garden potting shed!

[Outro]
Take my counsel, fellow chaps, you will never go astray!
(He is currently divorced!)
I am a master of romance in every single way!
(He is living in a tent!)
Tally ho, and pip pip, let the matrimony sing!
[Record scratch]
Wait, where did she put my favourite signet ring?
[Fade out on a solitary tuba parp]

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[Intro] [Turntable scratch] [Jolly piano riff] Greetings, gentlemen of the realm! Finding yourself in the proverbial doghouse? Fear not, for I have the solutions! (Just do exactly as I say!) [Verse One] Did you forget the anniversary of your sacred wedding day? Do not panic, my good fellow, simply pivot and downplay! Look her squarely in the retina and confidently state, That the concept of linear time is remarkably out of date. Inform her that you celebrate the essence of her soul, Not an arbitrary number on a calendrical scroll. When she throws a heavy vase at your unsuspecting head, Simply catch it with a flourish and pretend to drop down dead. (Works every time!) [Chorus] Oh, the gentleman's guide to domestic bliss! Just apply a bit of logic when the missus gets remiss! If she is cross about your habits or your lack of basic care, Simply offer an apology with condescending flair! (So incredibly helpful!) [Verse Two] Has she caught you leaving garments on the bedroom chamber floor? Tell her it is modern art and she should study it some more! If she asks you to assist her with the washing of the plates, Say your hands are far too delicate for scrubbing off the bates. Better yet, apply a principle from office I.T. staff, When she starts to voice a grievance, give a supercilious laugh. Tell her she is glitching out and needs a sudden reboot, Then unplug the television and go practice on your flute. [Bridge] [Beat cuts to just acoustic bass and finger snaps] Now, communication is a thoroughly overrated skill. Why express your inner feelings when you have a pint to spill? If she mentions couples therapy to rectify the flaw, Counter-offer with a visit to her dreadful mother-in-law. [Horns swell back in] [Verse Three] When she cooks a lovely dinner and it tastes a little dry, Do not suffer in a silence, give a deeply heavy sigh. Suggest she takes a lesson from a proper local chef, Or pretend the chewing deafened you and now you are quite deaf. If she asks if this specific dress is making her look wide, Say it is not just the fabric, it is everything inside! Honesty is policy, as Winston Churchill said, Now enjoy your peaceful slumber in the garden potting shed! [Chorus] Oh, the gentleman's guide to domestic bliss! Just apply a bit of logic when the missus gets remiss! If she is cross about your habits or your lack of basic care, Simply offer an apology with condescending flair! (Absolutely brilliant!) [Outro] Take my counsel, fellow chaps, you will never go astray! (He is currently divorced!) I am a master of romance in every single way! (He is living in a tent!) Tally ho, and pip pip, let the matrimony sing! [Record scratch] Wait, where did she put my favourite signet ring? [Fade out on a solitary tuba parp]

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