[Intro: a rolling floor-tom run opens the song, calm cold male MC] Tie straight, cufflinks, name tag says "Family" Uncle's big night, and the whole room's lookin' at me [Verse 1: calm cold male MC, unhurried] Thirty years a captain, so they threw the man a ball Grand hotel ballroom, every badge from the hall Precinct, county, state troopers in the back And the nephew no one asked for in a rented suit that's black Never came to Christmas, never came to a game Now I'm huggin' every aunt, and I'm callin' every name Shook the deputy's hand, held it long, made it stick Asked about his boat 'til he showed me every pic Grabbed the mic at the band break, sang the captain's favorite song Whole room clappin' on the two, and I held the last note long [Hook: calm cold male MC] Two hundred witnesses, and every one of 'em a cop Watched me lead the line dance, and they never saw me stop Two hundred witnesses, and every one'll testify Ten o'clock I gave the toast, and every glass went high [Verse 2: calm cold male MC, colder] Nine fifty-eight, I'm tappin' on a glass with a fork Across town, a van is backin' up a dock down by the port "To my uncle," and I raise it, "thirty years, never lost" And a padlock on a warehouse door is snapped and tossed "To the man who always told me I would end up in a cell" And a forklift's liftin' pallets that I know too well Everybody's cryin', and the captain's wife is too And my cousin's in a hard hat countin' boxes two by two "To the badge," and every badge in the room puts a glass in the air And the van pulls off the dock, and there's nobody standin' there I sat down, ate the cake, asked the band to play it slow Danced with Aunt Marie until her feet couldn't go [Hook: calm cold male MC] Two hundred witnesses, and every one of 'em a cop Watched me lead the line dance, and they never saw me stop Two hundred witnesses, and every one'll testify Ten o'clock I gave the toast, and every glass went high [Verse 3: calm cold male MC, close and quiet, every word cold] Eleven-ten, every radio starts cracklin' at once Every head in the ballroom turns around to the front Two hundred cops lookin' at the nephew in the middle And I'm dancin' with the captain's wife, still swayin' just a little They can't put me there, 'cause they already put me here On two hundred phones with a toast and a beer On the hotel cameras, in the chief's own frame Every one of 'em a witness, every one'll say the same Uncle walked me to the lobby with his hand around my neck Said, "Funny, son, you never came to nothin' of mine yet" I just smiled at him and fixed his collar, gentle as a son "Thirty years, you never lost, Unc. Don't make me the one" [Hook: calm cold male MC] Two hundred witnesses, and every one of 'em a cop Watched me lead the line dance, and they never saw me stop Two hundred witnesses, and every one'll testify Ten o'clock I gave the toast, and every glass went high [End]
