Certified Slacker

They see me in sweatpants, they ask “Do you even try?” Ugh, nope – just thriving I keep it real basic, like “Wow, instant ramen? Groundbreaking” Okay, I’m lying Straight to the couch when the sun’s still up, I just lean into laziness You know I’m riding Feel like I’ll conquer… one email – Goliath’s my inbox, I’m dodging replies like Boom – pajama queen, that’s my title I put in the work… microwaving oatmeal Zero menace but they heard my playlist Every chord’s AI, I click – violins Masterpiece done by the time I reheat this wine Every day’s the same, got infinite… naps Different vibe? Cold brew vs. boxed wine – I’m sipping them both Gift of zero gab, go back to my Netflix queue Giving a shrug when I brag like “Who needs a trophy?” And I’m ignoring loose ends I wanna know… why laundry never ends If “adulting” is the trend then Why’s my fridge just condiments? Switch up my dinner – Kraft Mac to frozen They want a meal that tastes like Violet’s I say “Cool, DoorDash Violet” Crying ‘bout spices? Cue… ketchup packets Shoutout to scams – they keep my line buzzing I screen all calls – feel like I’m Beyoncé Shoutout my bed, that’s word to the thread count I switch channels like “Who’s Tory? I’m TiVo-ing” Say I’ll text back but nah – let it marinate The ”urgent” in my inbox? Just spam – I’m deleting Pave… a path to my fridge, want ice cream? I get it Snack to snack life, back-to-back naps Everything I said I’d do? I half-did Told myself “Clean Sunday!” – napped instead, still winning Copycats? My plants – inspired by weekly neglect Word for word… my grocery list Had to check… expiration dates Really had me like “Why cook?” ‘Til I realized frozen pizza’s divine While they meal-prep, I’m DoorDash fine Set the pace… to rewatch The Office They reach out – “Read at 11:59” Procrastinate while they overachieve You’re “CEO grind”? I’m… meme-scrolling I’m still the rookie… of unmatched laziness Look, I get it – your “hustle”’s ambitious But my 3pm wine’s delicious They chase the bag, I’m… misplacing my wallet You can climb corp ladders or… marathon nap However you spell “success” – I’ll take the latter Yeah, taxes? Unfiled Ambition? Outgrown My flex? I’m content I’m winning at nothing and man, does it slap No crown, just this bathrobe sash My throne’s a couch cushion, scepter’s the remote Legacy? My plants died, shout-out to neglect Boom – compost flex, I’m organic I put in the work… nah, I let it auto-save Zero pressure, my biggest stress? Choosing which show to re-binge Every goal’s a participation ribbon I ghost deadlines like they exes, no guilt, just livin’ Everything they chase? I reverse it “Peak productivity” – I’m allergic Copycats? My sleep schedule’s Unique – 3am to noon, poetic Word for word… my “to-do list” “Buy socks” crossed out, still sockless Had me like “Why adult?” ‘Til I realized my bed’s a palace While they chase clout, I’m Couch-bound, TikTok crowned Set the pace? Nah, I’m paused They reach out – “Leave a voicemail, maybe” Procrasti-nation, population: ME You’re “self-made”? I’m Self-paid… in leftover pizza I’m still the rookie… of giving zero effort Yeah, crowns rust Thrones collect dust My reign? Unbothered, un-phased, un-caffeinated No jewels, just juice stains No empire, just expired coupons They yell... I’m… …Still on the first step Losing’s my Everest King of the flop, yeah I’m the best… at being the worst .....This keeps the machine-gun cadence of a rap song but weaponizes it for maximum comedic contrast –--- Hope this helps! Let me know if you want more specific "fail flexes"! 🛋️👑...