WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO? [INTRO — Three wooden gavel strikes in perfect swing rhythm] [Deep male judge, spoken with exaggerated authority] The court will now hear the case of… Everybody’s Expectations… Versus… One Very Uncooperative Woman! [One mischievous upright bass pluck] [Female voice, sweetly] Oh, Your Honor… We’re gonna need a bigger courtroom. [BLASTING TRUMPET FANFARE — Furious slap upright bass, ska guitar, and bouncing stride piano explode into action] [VERSE 1 — Fast, playful, sassy female vocals] They brought a stack of letters from the boys I never wed, Said I’ve got a nasty habit of using my own head. A banker brought a diamond, a doctor brought a plan, I brought a battered suitcase and a five-piece jazz band! [Horns answer — BA-DAP! BA-DAP!] My mother brought a cookbook, my auntie brought a veil, My sister brought a story ‘bout a woman gone off the rails. The prosecutor cleared his throat and said, “Now here’s the truth!” [Music stops completely] [Male prosecutor, sternly] Miss, have you ANYTHING to say in your defense? [Female, deadpan] Well… Does this courtroom validate parking? [Explosive trombone slide — Audience laughter — Band resumes] [PRE-CHORUS — Walking bass, handclaps, rising brass] They say, “Be nice!” (OH, HOW SWEET!) “Sit down!” (NOT THESE FEET!) “Act your age!” (WHAT A SHAME!) Honey, I forgot to learn the game! [CHORUS — MASSIVE BRASS HOOK, soaring female harmonies] WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO? (WHAT’S SHE GONNA DO?) When the world hands her a script And she tears it in two! If the shoe don’t fit, I’ll dance barefoot too! WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO? WHATEVER SHE WANTS TO! (OH! OH! OH!) Call me a scandal! Call me yesterday’s news! You can throw the book at me, I’ll teach it how to move! WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO? WHATEVER SHE WANTS TO! [INSTRUMENTAL — Explosive brass melody, funky slap bass, offbeat ska guitar] [VERSE 2 — Cheeky rhythmic vocals, swinging hard] The judge called Mr. Perfect, looking handsome as could be, He said, “I offered her forever, but she wouldn’t marry me!” He had a house, a dog, a car, a five-year master plan, Even picked the names of children before asking for my hand! [Trumpet plays an exaggerated romantic flourish] I said, “He’s sweet, he’s smart, he’s tall, he’s everything they say, But he schedules all his kisses for a quarter after eight!” The jury started giggling, the bailiff cracked a grin, The judge said, “Miss, this courtroom isn’t here for you to win!” [Band cuts out — Silence] [Female voice, perfectly innocent] Oh, I’m not trying to win, Your Honor. [Judge] Then what ARE you trying to do? [Female voice, mischievous] I’m trying to get the band paid! [EXPLOSIVE HORN RIFF — Uptempo ska groove] [PRE-CHORUS — Female lead and jury call-and-response] They say, “Be good!” (I’M A DELIGHT!) “Stay home!” (NOT TONIGHT!) “Find a man!” (I’VE FOUND A FEW!) But none of them can dance like you! [CHORUS — Full big band, powerful female backing vocals] WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO? (WHAT’S SHE GONNA DO?) When the world hands her a script And she tears it in two! If the shoe don’t fit, I’ll dance barefoot too! WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO? WHATEVER SHE WANTS TO! (OH! OH! OH!) Call me a scandal! Call me yesterday’s news! You can throw the book at me, I’ll teach it how to move! WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO? WHATEVER SHE WANTS TO! [INSTRUMENTAL SHOWSTOPPER — 35 seconds] [Furious slap upright bass solo — Ragtime piano answers] [Trumpet plays a wild, flashy jazz solo] [Tenor saxophone interrupts with a dirtier, louder solo] [Trumpet and sax battle in rapid call-and-response] [Entire brass section joins — Explosive synchronized horn stabs] [Sudden COMPLETE SILENCE] [Male prosecutor, shouting] OBJECTION! [Female, casually] To what? [Prosecutor] Your entire personality! [Female] Well, darling… Get in line. [UPRIGHT BASS DROP — Deep bouncing bass, finger snaps, half-time ska rhythm] [BRIDGE — Smoky soulful female vocals, intimate and sincere] Now I like a little romance, And I like a little wine. Wouldn’t mind somebody’s hand Finding its way into mine. But I don’t need a hero, And I don’t need a crown. Just someone who can love me Without trying to calm me down. [Soft piano and bass — Warm female backing harmonies] I might find him tomorrow. I might find him in June. But until that day comes around… [Softly spoken] Could somebody please… [Pause] PLAY MY DAMN TUNE? [EXPLOSIVE 12-PIECE BRASS FANFARE — Double-time ska dance break] [FINAL VERDICT — Theatrical dialogue over bouncing upright bass] [Deep male judge] After careful consideration… This court has reached a decision. [Female, impatient] Oh, just spit it out, sweetheart! [Judge] We find the defendant… [Drumroll] GUILTY OF… [Full orchestra pauses] [Judge, slowly] Being… Absolutely… HERSELF! [Female] Well, FINALLY! [EXPLOSIVE FINAL CHORUS — Entire band, triumphant female lead, massive harmonies] WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO? (WHAT’S SHE GONNA DO?) WHEN THE WORLD HANDS HER
