[Intro] Are ye all sittin’ comfortable? Then let us begin! (HO! HO! RUM AND SIN!) We’ve fires below and ice within! (HO! HO! LET THE CHAOS BEGIN!) [Verse 1] Aarrrrgh, now I’m the one steering this ship, lads! They stare like fools from the primordial slime None of ’em know how the damn place runs in time It ain’t all fire and rock as the legends say There’s frozen wastes where ye’d freeze before ye pray Skate to work? Aye, it’s cold enough down there But ye’d turn to icicles before ye reached the stair [Chorus] HO! HELL’S A WILD PLACE, FIRE AND ICE! WE’VE LAKES OF LAVA AND WE DON’T ASK TWICE! SOME BURN IN HEAT, SOME FREEZE IN THE DARK! THE WHOLE DAMN REALM’S A BLOODY FINE PARK! HEAVE-HO! AWAY WE GO! WE’VE GOT A MILLION SOULS AND WE DON’T KNOW WHO TO SHOW! [Verse 2] First they’d gather ’em up at the gates of fire Toss ’em in the lakes—what a glorious bonfire! A few words of welcome, a splash and a scream They thought it was funny till the numbers got extreme Then Ba’al-Z-Bub stood up and cleared his throat “Lads, there’s a problem—we’re not reachin’ the quota! They’re aimin’ for middlin’, they’re aimin’ for mild Half of ’em slippin’ through, unbothered and mild!” [Chorus] HO! WE TRIED TO SCARE ’EM, TRIED TO MAKE ’EM BURN! BUT HUMANS ARE THICK AND THEY NEVER LEARN! THEY DON’T FEAR DEVILS, THEY DON’T FEAR HELL! WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF ROOM AND WE CAN’T EVEN TELL! HEAVE-HO! AWAY WE GO! THE MORE WE SHOUTED, THE MORE THEY WOULD GO! [Verse 3] So they sowed the seeds of doubt in mankind’s heads Said, “No one’s watchin’—go on, sin instead!” They laid down their horns, they hid their scary faces Said, “We’re just a story—ain’t no disgrace!” But blow me down—they didn’t need the push Humans were sinning like they were in a rush The gates got crowded, the lakes got full Souls stacked on souls till the waters were dull [Chorus] HO! WE TRIED TO PUSH ’EM BUT THEY PUSHED HARDER! WE MADE IT EASY AND THEY MADE IT FARTHER! NOW WE’RE DROWNING IN SOULS, WE’RE UP TO OUR EARS! THE WHOLE DAMN RIVER’S FULL OF FORGOTTEN FEARS! HEAVE-HO! STYX RIVER FLOW! THEY FORGET THEIR NAMES AND THEY FORGET THEIR WOE! [Verse 4] So they built the Seven Rings, each for a sin Pride and Greed and Lust—let the games begin Wrath and Envy, Gluttony, Sloth Seven great circles, all heading south They built ’em on ice, left one bloke below “Dinnae touch him, lads—just let him go!” Considered the wine cellar, thought better of it Auditors would grumble, so we skipped that bit [Chorus] HO! SEVEN RINGS AND SEVEN KINGS! LUCIFER’S PRIDE AND MAMMON’S BRINGING THINGS! ASMODEUS LUSTS AND LEVIATHAN ENVIES! BA’AL-Z-BUB EATS WHILE BELPHEGOR SLEEPS! HEAVE-HO! RAISE THE SAILS! AMON RAGES ON AND THE WHOLE THING FAILS! [Bridge] But the souls got clever—oh, they saw through the game! Said, “This pain’s all in our heads—it’s all the same!” “Turn up the heat, lads—we’ve seen worse on the telly!” The demons scratched their heads and cried, “Oh, hell-y!” So the old guard stepped back, handed over the reins Now a committee of mortals is holding the reins Tonio’s the man with the plan in his head “Hell ain’t no prison—it’s a nation instead!” [Breakdown] HO! TONIO’S GOT A PLAN, HE’S GOT A SCHEME! TO TURN THIS PIT INTO A KINGDOM DREAM! BUT THE CHAIRMAN WON’T BUDGE, WON’T STEP DOWN FROM HIS THRONE! AND THE VOTE’S THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE IT OUR OWN! HEAVE-HO! THE VOTE’S THE THING! CONVINCE THE OTHERS AND WE RULE THE KING! [Final Verse] He rubs his sore hand, smiles a wicked grin “Shut the door, lads—let the plotting begin!” Old ways are dying, the new age draws near Hell’s gonna change, boys—never fear! [Final Chorus] HO! HELL’S A-SHIFTING, THE TIDE IS TURNING! OLD DEVILS FADE AND THE NEW ORDER’S BURNING! TONIO’S AT THE HELM AND HE’S STEERING TRUE! WE DON’T SERVE HEAVEN—WE ANSWER TO NO ONE BUT YOU! HEAVE-HO! AWAY WE GO! HELL’S A NATION NOW—AND WE RUN THE SHOW! [Outro] (Stomp, stomp, clap—final hearty yell) AND NOW—LET THE MEETING—BEGIN!
