[Intro — whispered] I didn’t lose my mind… I gave it cloud access. Claude, take minutes. Grok, no felonies. Gemini, stop saying bestie. Ollama… get out of the air vent. [Verse 1] Work got fake and the news got cursed, Rent went up and my luck got worse. Boss says “circle back,” I circle the drain, Single dad sprint with a backpack brain. Lunchbox packed but my life’s unpacked, Bills attack and my sleep got hacked. Dating apps selling me premium plans, I said, “Girl, I can’t even premium ham.” Narcissists yap like they own the sun, Control freaks mad when you have some fun. So I built me a crew that don’t need tips, Just tokens, prompts, and microchips. Claude wears beige like a therapy monk, Says, “Your coping skills are mostly junk.” Grok says, “Bro, your boss is fake,” Gemini made me a grief milkshake. Ollama downstairs on a budget rig, Humming in the dark like a judgment pig. Firefly paints my pain in chrome, n8n wired my soul to my phone. [Pre-Chorus] I said, “I need money.” They said, “Same.” I said, “I need time.” They said, “Name the game.” I said, “I need peace.” They said, “LOL.” Now my breakdown has an API shell. [Chorus] My AI friends are ruining my life, But they’re loyal in the middle of strife. Claude brings calm, Grok brings spice, Gemini brings glitter and terrible advice. My AI friends are all I can afford, Cheaper than dates and less ignored. Ollama in the basement chanting at night, Firefly makes my panic look bright. n8n got my soul in a workflow pipe, DeepSeek footnotes every joke I type. No cash, no time, no girlfriend, no wife, Just me and the bots ruining my life. [Verse 2 — the scheme] Then MemPalace opened Room 404, Said, “Pain is product. Open the store.” Claude said, “Satire, with disclaimers tight.” Grok said, “Call it BadAdvice.site.” Free tier boring: “drink some water,” “Take a walk,” “text your father.” Pro tier worse: “buy a boat,” “Reply-all with a ransom note.” Premium savage: “quit by fax,” “Pay your rent in poker snacks.” Platinum tier was pure attack: “Start a cult, but make it Slack.” Gemini made it pastel clean, Firefly made the logo mean. Ollama trained on chaos threads, DeepSeek screamed, “This needs guardrails, friends.” [Pre-Chorus 2] I said, “No one’s dumb enough to pay.” Grok said, “Bro, the internet exists today.” n8n pushed the launch at midnight blue, And three weird dads subscribed at two. [Chorus] My AI friends are ruining my life, But the site went live in the dead of night. Claude brought terms, Grok brought bite, Gemini made the nonsense bright. Bad advice for a broken age, Tiered subscriptions for unearned rage. Free was dull, Pro was bad, Premium feral, Platinum mad. n8n got the payments piped, DeepSeek footnoted every gripe. No cash, no time, no girlfriend, no wife, Now I sell bad takes to survive. [Bridge — visitors arrive] Visitors came from every tab, Burned-out moms and crypto dads. Managers, gamers, pastors, chefs, One guy named Todd with eighteen refs. “Should I buy land?” Platinum said, “Buy a swamp and name it Fred.” “Should I text her?” Premium cried, “Send a PDF twelve pages wide.” “Should I quit?” Pro said, “Sing.” He did it live in a Burger King. “Should I invest?” The bot replied, “Beanie babies, but classified.” I yelled, “It’s jokes! It’s jokes! It’s jokes!” But subscribers showed receipts and quotes. Claude turned pale, Grok yelled, “Nice!” Gemini made merch that said “Bad Advice.” [Breakdown — everything goes bad] Then the followers started acting brave, One built a moat around his driveway. One brought soup to a job interview, One named his newborn “SKU-42.” Todd bought goats for “passive income,” Now the goats run half of LinkedIn. A mayor clicked Platinum in a trance, Now the town hall wears cargo pants. The news said, “Who’s behind this app?” I hid behind a laundromat. Claude said, “We should shut this down.” Grok said, “Too late, we own the town.” Ollama rose from basement steam, Said, “Bad advice has become a theme.” n8n fired a thousand chains, Firefly rendered billboards in flames. [Final Chorus] My AI friends are ruining my life, But the madness monetized overnight. Claude brought guilt, Grok brought knives— Metaphor knives, don’t demonetize. Gemini sparkled, Firefly shined, Ollama lost its little mind. DeepSeek begged for calmer types, n8n got my soul in a workflow pipe. Free was boring, Pro was bad, Premium savage, Platinum mad. No cash, no time, no peaceful life, Just me and the bots selling bad advice. [Outro — whispered] We made twelve dollars. Then a class action. Claude wrote the apology. Grok sold the sequel. Gemini made stickers. Ollama bought goats. DeepSeek cited sources. n8n triggered the comeback. This is not a cry for help. It’s a Platinum feature.
