[Intro: Voice Comms] SCOUT: ALB INC! WHOLE FUCKIN’ WARBAND! TANK: Stack up! Stack up! HEALER: Animist, get your shrooms down! ANIMIST: Shrooms? Those are my children. TANK: …Your what? ANIMIST: The garden’s open. Look like they brought fertilizer. (Deep inhale) WELCOME… TO… GARDEN WARFARE. ⸻ [Drop / Hook] HIGH AS FUCK ON THESE MOTHERFUCKING NUKES WELCOME TO MY GARDEN WHERE THE FLOWERS FUCKIN’ SHOOT EIGHT LITTLE MUSHROOMS ALL THEY KNOW IS VIOLENCE, TOO YOU CALL IT R V R I CALL IT GARDEN WARFARE, FOOL ⸻ [Verse 1] I don’t need siege. I don’t need steel. I grow homicidal daffodils. Fresh-cut grass with a body count, Now the healer’s face is in the mulch. Plant one. Plant two. Plant four. Plant eight. Congratulations… You’ve arrived too late. Every bomber’s got a fuckin’ name. Every turret’s clinically insane. I’m out here whisperin’ “Grow, my pretties…” While your whole damn group Starts deleting. You’re calling targets. I’m watering weeds. The trees keep askin’ “Can we eat?” I said, “Absolutely.” ⸻ [Pre-Chorus] You brought determination. I brought photosynthesis. You brought resurrection. I brought homicidal fruit If the forest starts laughing… Run. ⸻ [Chorus] HIGH AS FUCK ON THESE MOTHERFUCKING NUKES WELCOME TO MY GARDEN WHERE THE FLOWERS FUCKIN’ SHOOT STEP INSIDE THE HEDGES THE BOMBERS FOLLOW YOU YOU CALL IT RVR I CALL IT GARDEN WARFARE, DUDE ⸻ [Verse 2] Arboreal psychopath. Certified botanical bloodbath. I ain’t casting spells. I’m planting bad decisions. Groups getting wiped By aggressive vegetation. My mushrooms don’t discriminate. Red Blue. Or Hibernian. Everybody getting composted. Everybody feeding my ecosystem. Quickcast. Bomber. Root you. Boom. Now your corpse is feeding mushrooms. Healer screaming, “PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!” Too bad… The bushes push back. Every hill’s my backyard. Every bridge my flowerbed. Sometimes when the zerg that charges me Leaves fertilizer instead. Not really, but sometimes ⸻ [Breakdown] STOP… STOP RUNNING… YOU’RE HURTING THEIR FEELINGS. THEY JUST WANNA HUG YOU. WITH EXPLOSIVES. Eight mushrooms. Zero mercy. This ain’t PvP. This is invasive species management. WELCOME… TO… GARDEN… WARFARE. ⸻ [Final Chorus] HIGH AS FUCK ON THESE MOTHERFUCKING NUKES EVERY GODDAMN BOMBER FLIES LIKE THEY GOT SOMETHIN’ TO PROVE WELCOME TO MY GARDEN EVERY LEAF’S RECRUITED TOO YOU DIDN’T LOSE A FIGHT… YOU GOT FUCKIN’ LANDSCAPED. ⸻ [Outro: Voice Comms] HEALER: …They’re all dead. TANK: How? SCOUT: I… I don’t even know what killed us. ANIMIST: Nature. Nature killed you. See y’all after the next growth cycle.
