NOLE SCUM IS SANTA [Comedic musical theater villain song] [Arrogant adult male tenor, pompous, theatrical, comically self-important] [Upbeat bouncing groove, driving bass, punchy drums, brass stabs, playful orchestral accents] [Flowing rhythmic verses with repeated phrases and a strong steady beat] [No vocal percussion or nonsense syllables. Use instruments only.] [Intro, sound effect TV turned on white noice running through TV stations first] TV NEWS REPORTER: We interrupt your program for this groundbreaking news from the office of the Mayor. [Spoken word, pompous adult male voice, grand orchestral fanfare] NOLE SCUM: Attention, children! Your favorite mayor has arrived! Nole Scum! The richest man alive! I own the factories, the banks, the trains The town hall roof and half the windowpanes! Miss Amy Thormer, congratulations, dear I hear a little baby will be joining you this year! How wonderful! Another mouth to feed! Perhaps I’ll sell you diapers at a discount rate for need! Your orphanage, preparing for Christmas cheer With songs and decorations and presents this year? Well, I’ve come to bring you wonderful news Christmas is canceled! And nobody gets to choose! [Verse 1] When it comes to Christmas time You gotta believe that saving is sublime No more gifts No more toys No more wasting cash on girls and boys! When it comes to Christmas time You gotta know that spending is a crime No more bows No more trees No more Christmas shopping sprees! And when they tell you that the children need a gift Tell them saving every penny gives the economy a lift And when they tell you that the stockings need a treat Tell them socks are quite sufficient for their little feet! When they tell you that they need a brand-new coat Tell them wear the old one, sew a button, patch the hole Why buy a ribbon when a string will do? And why buy wrapping paper when the newspaper’s free for you? [Prechorus] Christmas sucks, and Santa sucks Reindeer eat for free and that’s outrageous luck! Sleighs are pricey, flying’s silly Gifts are just a budget-busting billy! Dreams are for the lazy, so let the children know I’m the one who saves this town, and I’m the star of every show! [Chorus] You gotta believe in Nole Scum You gotta adore me, I’m the number one! You gotta believe in Nole Scum I’m the greatest Santa under the sun! I don’t need a sleigh or reindeer in the sky I’ve got cars and trains and rockets flying high! You gotta believe in Nole Scum I’m your Santa, everyone! [Verse 2] When it comes to Christmas time You gotta believe my plan is so refined No more gifts No more toys I’ll invest your money in my factories, girls and boys! When it comes to Christmas time I’ll make every penny work overtime No more sweets No more treats No more candy canes or festive eats! And when they tell you that the Easter Bunny’s hopping I’ll build a bunny factory and make the profits popping! The Tooth Fairy leaves money underneath your bed I’ll confiscate the quarters and invest them all instead! The elves demand a salary, the reindeer need a stable Santa’s got expenses and a very messy table! But I have no children, my business is my baby, dear! It never cries or needs a toy, and earns me money every year! I don’t have children, my business is my baby! And unlike little humans, it will never call me crazy! [Prechorus 2] Christmas sucks, and Santa sucks Candy, toys, and tinsel are a waste of bucks! Santa’s fat and can’t keep slim Who wants a man who can’t fit in? He eats the cookies, drinks the milk And gives away the goods for zilch! I’m Santa Scum, the real McCoy I save your cash and steal your joy! [Chorus] You gotta believe in Nole Scum You gotta adore me, I’m the number one! You gotta believe in Nole Scum I’m the greatest Santa under the sun! I don’t need a sleigh or reindeer in the sky I’ve got cars and trains and rockets flying high! You gotta believe in Nole Scum I’m your Santa, everyone! [Bridge] [Instrumental] [NOLE SCUM, SPOKEN] Kindness? Is that taxable? Love? Does it come with a receipt? And who authorized these children to sing without a permit? [Final Chorus] [NOLE SCUM, loudly proclaiming himself; children react underneath only if needed] You gotta believe in Nole Scum You gotta adore me, I’m the number one! You gotta believe in Nole Scum I’m the richest Santa under the sun! No Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy No reindeer making Christmas merry! I’m your mayor, your Santa, your economic king And every Christmas bell needs my approval before it rings! [Outro] I am sorry Miss Amy I am sorry children I’m sorry poor orphanage- Not! No more Santa, I’m all you’ve got! Parents, stop playing Santa! Cancel those Christmas vacations! Return to work, you lazy lot! Hahaha! [instruments stop and white noise then TB turned off]
