Fourteen Didn't Know

[Verse 1 — quiet piano] I remember he had nervous hands, And hair that wouldn't stay, He'd walk me home from school sometimes And take the longer way. He'd laugh before the funny bit, Couldn't dance worth anythin', And every time he looked at me I couldn't help but grin. I was fourteen. So was he. There weren't supposed to be Great mysteries. Just a boy I kinda fancied Who, I thought, fancied me. [Verse 2 — acoustic guitar enters] Then one Monday he stopped waitin' By the stairs outside me class. Started lookin' at the floor, child, Every time I walked on past. I asked him once what happened. He said— Nothin'. Much too fast. And Billy wouldn't look at me. Alton smiled and changed the subject When I asked. [Pre-Chorus] I thought maybe I'd embarrassed him. Thought maybe I'd been wrong. Thought maybe girls like me imagined When somebody came along. So I learned a little lesson That I carried as me own: Sometimes someone stops wantin' ya... And ya leave the poor boy alone. [Chorus — restrained] But fourteen didn't know What eighteen had to learn. Didn't know the thing they feared Or the price they thought I'd earn. Fourteen only knew her brothers Had been actin' bloody strange, And a boy who used to smile at her Would cross the road and change. God, I hated him a little. Then I hated me some more. But I never knew my brothers Were standin' guard outside the door. Fourteen didn't know. She only knew he'd go. [Verse 3 — low strings begin] Years later, there were secrets That weren't secrets anymore. There were promises made before me, There were debts from years before. There were reasons Daddy watched me Like the world might steal his girl. Reasons Alton hated dances. Reasons Billy hated boys. [pause] And suddenly that Monday Came crawlin' back to me. His eyes fixed on the floorboards. Billy quiet over tea. Alton sittin' far too casual. Daddy askin' where I'd been. And I finally understood What they thought they stood between. [Pre-Chorus — building] They weren't scared he'd break my heart. They were scared he'd win it first. Scared a kiss might become somethin' more, And somethin' more become the worst. They weren't guarding my virtue. Christ, that would've made me mad. They were guarding me from payin' For a bargain Mama had. [Chorus — fuller] And fourteen didn't know Why the boys all disappeared. Why me brothers made damn certain Every lad knew they were near. Why me father called it loving When it sometimes felt like chains. Why the people tryin' to shelter me Could cause their own kind of pain. Now I know they thought they saved me. And maybe, child... they did. But understandin' why they did it Doesn't give me back that kid. Fourteen didn't know. And nineteen can't let it go. [Bridge — drops to piano and voice] What did ya say to him, Billy? Did ya threaten him? Did ya smile? Did Alton stand behind ya And make every word worthwhile? Did Daddy know? Did Mama? Did he go home scared that night? Did ya ever stop and wonder If ya had the bloody right? [pause] And here's the part I hate most— If I knew then what I know... Would I have kissed him anyway? [long pause] Yeah. I think so. [softly] Maybe that's why they couldn't tell me. [Instrumental — violin enters] [Verse 4] 'Cause I know the girl I was then. God, she would've called their bluff. Tell fourteen don't touch the fire And fourteen gets curious enough. Tell her heaven made a bargain. Tell her hell expects its due. Tell her everybody's frightened Of what love might make her do— She'd've climbed right out the window. She'd've found him down the road. She'd've kissed him just to prove Her life was still her bloody own. [Pre-Chorus] And maybe that's what scares me now. Not that they were wholly wrong. It's knowin' love can still be love, child, And still do somethin' wrong. [Final Chorus — soaring, bittersweet] Fourteen didn't know She was anybody's debt. She just knew a boy had vanished She hadn't learned to forget. She didn't know her first kiss Could frighten grown men half to death. Didn't know they'd built a fortress 'Round the choices she had left. And I love those stupid bastards. God, I love 'em till it hurts. I'd trust Alton with me heartbeat. Billy with the universe. But they don't get to choose who loves me. They don't get to choose who stays. They don't get to steal tomorrow Just because they're scared today. Fourteen didn't know. But nineteen finally does. [music falls away] And knowin' why they hurt me... Doesn't make it hurt less. [Outro — piano and acoustic guitar] Sometimes I still remember Hair that wouldn't stay in place. A boy who laughed before the joke And couldn't meet me gaze. I don't know where life took him. Don't know who he grew to be. But I'm sorry, child. You weren't the thing They were afraid of. [pause] It was me. And what the people who loved me feared... I might someday choose to be.