The Time Now 1.10.2

"What should Alexiel do?" you ask. "Recall your memories. Release the demons. Embrace who you truly are. Let us rejoice in your transformation. Become our design!" No. Every little bit of you cringes and squirms and fights against this affirmation. You know it in your guts that it is wrong. Why delve into pain and death willingly? When there are so many around you, only too happy to give you a shove down that path? Abba smiles, and strangely enough, they seem to be pleased about your resistance. "We have trained you well, Alexiel. We had put into you words and ideas, knowledge and self-awareness that no other kinnay has. We expect you to fight back and use your will… free will… show us what you're made of!" "Free will is your design?" you ask with a shivering voice. Abba starts laughing. And now they are no more than a smudged shadow projected onto darkness. The night had fallen. A night without moon and stars, a night engulfed by mist, dense and opaque like the unknown. Slowly, the floor starts glowing, slightly illuminating the space. You can grasp the look on their face again. "We wouldn't say free will is our design. A kinnay with free will… that is another thing altogether. And we really worked hard on you…" Abba comes closer and passes their thumb over your lips. You wish they would kiss you, but they pull back. "Can you even imagine what it takes to bring you back time after time?" They ask. Instinctively, you move your mouth to speak, but the sound fades out on the tip of your tongue. "What is it that you want to tell us?" "Why… kill kinnay at all?" Abba starts laughing again. It's strange to see people smile or hear them laugh around here. And definitely, Abba's laugh is eerie right now. "Well, child, if only you wouldn't have built those walls around your mind, you would understand it without asking. I'm slightly disappointed that you don't." You stare at them, still hoping for an explanation. "If you are willing to do what you are supposed to do, you will find the answer on your own." There's a pause, and you wait for them to carry on. "On the other hand, just think of what the future holds for you if you don't play your part as designed." Your skin crawls. "Abba… a kinnay like Alexiel is worthless. For what they do, there are many other kinnays to do the same. There is nothing special to Alexiel. No Lord cares about conversation, and no Lord wants to feel Alexiel's love. What knowledge and awareness kinnay has only brings back a different kind of pain…" "What kind of pain?" they ask you. You look down again. While walking the thin line of sharing thoughts and ideas, you are always afraid of falling into punishment. "What kind of pain, Alexiel?" You swallow nervously, then look up. "The pain of knowing that all the pain inflicted on kinnays is wrong and wicked and sickening…" you almost spit those words out in a breath. Abba comes closer again, stares you in the eyes, and touches your cheek gently with the back of their hand. And you stare back intently, holding your breath. You wait for them to strike you, to make your face burst into flames. But there is no strike today, just a plethora of questions. "So what we are doing to you is wrong and wicked and sickening? Our deeds are wrong and wicked and sickening? Maybe our love also sickens you? You see now how knowledge seeds despise in your heart? If you only knew 200 words, you would not be able to get sick. Ever. Or feel contempt. Or judge our better judgment… and without free will, you would never be able to tell us that we are wrong."