[Intro] [Spoken Word] For the record I was perfectly reasonable until approximately... [Break] Martini number four [Verse] Martini number one was clean Three olives, dry, immaculate I watched the piano player work And tipped him more than etiquette The room was level, last I checked My cufflinks matched, my tie was straight I came alone at half past nine At least, I think, around half eight [Pre-Chorus] [Build] The bartender knows my name Or maybe I just told him twice Either way, another glass Would probably improve the night [Chorus] Martini number four Put the doorway somewhere else I was charming three drinks ago Now I'm introducing me to myself Martini number four Made the chandelier lean south If anybody moved this room Kindly put it back right now [Instrumental Break] [Verse] A woman in a velvet dress Said I had stepped upon her shoe I apologized with dignity Then asked if we'd met in Peru I've never actually been to Peru That detail feels important now I told her I'm a diplomat She asked me, "For which country?" [Break] [Spoken Word] Excellent question [Pre-Chorus] [Build] The bartender took my keys Which seems a little impolite I don't remember bringing keys But I'm relieved they're somewhere safe tonight [Chorus] Martini number four Put the doorway somewhere else I was charming three drinks ago Now I'm introducing me to myself Martini number four Made the chandelier lean south If anybody moved this room Kindly put it back right now [Solo] [Bridge] [Spoken Word] Now, there are accusations [Break] Apparently I bought the band Apparently I own this chair Apparently that coat is not my coat Despite how excellent I look in it [Whispered] And somebody keeps stealing my olives [Break] It's me I've been eating the olives [Chorus] [Belted] Martini number four Now the piano knows my sins I challenged the revolving door And I'm fairly sure the doorway wins Martini number four Tell my dignity we're through I came in here sophisticated I'm leaving with somebody's shoe [Outro] [Spoken Word] Put it on my tab [Break] What do you mean I don't have a tab? [Whispered] Then put it on Peru
