**[Intro]** Excuse me. Before you begin your carefully rehearsed presentation... I've already completed My evaluation. --- **[Verse 1]** Your smile is warm. Your timing's great. Your odds of closing? One in eight. I've checked the market. Perused reviews. Compared your prices. Checked the news. I've graphed the trends. Projected fate. You're approximately... Eight months late. I'm sure your product is wonderful. Reliable. Shiny. New. Unfortunately... It isn't Something I require From you. --- **[Verse 2]** I've optimized My daily life. My internet. My water line. Electric. Insurance. Phone. Every contract's already mine. My budget's balanced. Bills are paid. Every warranty's archived, Indexed, Tagged, And alphabetized. You came to solve The problems here? Allow me To summarize. Pest control? Already handled. Not a termite left alive. Replacement windows? Triple-pane. Low-E. Argon filled. Installed before You learned to drive. Security system? Monitored. Battery backed. Encrypted. Logged. Verified. Eight cameras. Zero blind spots. Even raccoons Need an alibi. Motion sensors Differentiate Friendly neighborhood squirrels... ...from the reprobate kind. My passwords rotate Automatically. My firewall Distrusts my toaster. My smoke detectors Look advanced enough To star On a sci-fi movie poster. --- **[Bridge]** You're selling comfort? Already comfortable. You're selling safety? Guaranteed it. You're selling software? Built my own. You're selling upgrades? Already cloned. You're selling workflows? Automated. You're selling certainty? Calculated. I appreciate an innovative mind. I simply prefer it being mine. --- **[Final Rap]** So unless you've somehow brought me Perpetual motion. Cold fusion. Coffee that refills itself. I'm afraid With all respect... We'll have to pass. But thank you For your effort. I sincerely hope Your afternoon Proves statistically More successful Than your last. --- **[Outro Spoken]** ... You forgot your brochure. I've already recycled it.
