Agriculture, Autism & Alcohol

Write a funny self-deprecating square dance song titled “Agriculture, Autism & Alcohol” by Wasi River Bluegrass. Concept: A rural narrator reflects on farming, machinery, neurodivergent overthinking, and an old habit of trying to solve emotional problems with alcohol. The song should be comic and self-aware, but not cruel. The humour should come from the narrator’s own contradictions: excellent with systems, hopeless with moderation, able to diagnose a baler by sound but unable to leave a social event gracefully. Tone: Funny, self-deprecating, square-dance chaotic, rural, warm, resilient. No shame spiral. No mocking autism. No glamorizing alcohol. The narrator is learning to laugh, notice patterns, and choose better controls. Required phrases: - agriculture, autism, and alcohol - square dance with the warning lights on - I can fix the tractor, but the tractor can’t fix me - hazards, controls, and casserole - round and round the hayfield goes - call the dance, don’t call your ex - sober enough to count the cows Structure: [Caller intro] [Verse 1] [Chorus] [Verse 2] [Bridge / breakdown] [Final chorus] [Caller outro] [Caller Intro] Allemande left with your boots on wrong, Promenade past the old grain bin, Swing your partner, check the fuel, And don’t let the raccoon in. [Verse 1] I got agriculture, autism, and alcohol, Three bad advisors in a county hall. One says “plant it,” one says “plan it,” One says “buddy, have a small.” I can map a field by drainage grade, Hear a sick belt in a baler blade, But put me near a wedding bar And I’m a risk assessment with a tab unpaid. [Chorus] Round and round the hayfield goes, Dosey-doe where the tall grass grows. Square dance with the warning lights on, Clap your hands when the signal’s strong. I can fix the tractor, but the tractor can’t fix me, I can split a cord but I can’t leave gracefully. Hazards, controls, and casserole, Agriculture, autism, and alcohol. [Verse 2] I built a spreadsheet for the chicken feed, Colour-coded every fencepost need. Then I missed one text from Aunt Louise And rehearsed my answer for a week. I know which socket fits the plow, I know which calf got loose and how, But feelings come without a manual, So I’m reading labels better now. [Chorus] Round and round the hayfield goes, Dosey-doe where the tall grass grows. Square dance with the warning lights on, Clap your hands when the signal’s strong. I can fix the tractor, but the tractor can’t fix me, I can split a cord but I can’t leave gracefully. Hazards, controls, and casserole, Agriculture, autism, and alcohol. [Bridge / Breakdown] Caller says: bow to your partner, Bow to your past, Don’t mistake a coping trick For something built to last. Turn by the left, now turn by the right, Don’t text nobody after midnight. Call the dance, don’t call your ex, That ain’t romance, that’s farmyard checks. [Final Chorus] Round and round the hayfield goes, Everybody knows what everybody knows. Sober enough to count the cows, Smart enough to settle down. I can fix the tractor, but the tractor can’t fix me, I can laugh at the wiring without cutting the tree. Hazards, controls, and casserole, Agriculture, autism, and alcohol. [Caller Outro] Promenade home by the lantern light, Park the truck and shut the door. If the banjo asks what happened here, Say: “Better controls than before.”