Form Fiasco in the Sales Department (Corporate Canon IV)

[Verse 1] We arise at half past seven with a spreadsheet in our hand With projections Targets Timetables that are perfectly on brand We can wrestle down objections with a sympathetic grin We can coax a frigid prospect into gladly signing in We can cross-sell Up-sell Add-on Bundle Pivot on a dime We can quote in three currencies and still be done on time But when victory is certain and we’re ready to prevail A familiar phantom materializes Pallid Prim And pale [Chorus] It is Joe from Compliance with a folder most enormous With appendices and addenda that would terrify a chorus “There are boxes to be tickèd There are clauses to affirm You must initial every margin Every footnote Every term” So instead of logging glory in the sacred ledger scale We are trapped in triplicate Signing every little bit ‘Fore we call a sale a sale [Verse 2] We can handle angry clients who are twelve months in arrears We can charm a chief financial from suspicion into cheers We can conjure fresh revisions when a budget’s looking bleak We can “circle back” and “touch base” six exceedingly long weeks We can pivot mid-presentation when the figures go awry With a “strategic realignment” and a straight Unblinking eye Yet the moment that a handshake seals the carefully courted whale Comes that tap upon the shoulder Icy Inevitable Frail [Chorus] It is Joe from Compliance with a grim Officious smirk Saying “Form A-1 is pending So your triumph will not work” There is Section Seven-B that must be counter-signed in blue And an affidavit swearing every word of it is true While the client’s car is waiting and our glory’s growing stale We are stuck in legalese Begging “Joe Oh pretty please Let us call a sale a sale!” [Bridge] [Tempo quickens] If we wish to mark “completed” in the blessed status bar There’s a waiver Then a rider Then a something-or-other-par There is one attesting data One on GDPR One confirming we have never sold a stapler to a czar There are forms for minor typos Forms for major moral dread Forms acknowledging the forms that you have previously read By the time we’ve finished signing In a cramped and trembling hand Our commission slid politely to a distant Rival brand [Chorus] Oh Joe from Compliance With your binders tall as towers You devour our little victories You annex all our hours We would rather brave rejection Endless voicemails Empty calls Than your labyrinth of tick boxes and policy-packed walls So we pray for one revision in the sacred office grail Just a teensy Tiny tweak Let it be This very week That a sale may be a sale! [Chorus] Yes We beg the gods of workflow And the chiefs of every rank To emancipate our orders from Joe’s ever-growing stack Grant a single Clean conclusion at the bottom of the trail Where a simple line is written Bold and blessed: “Sold. Completed. Sale.” Till that glorious decree We remain Bureaucratically In a pre-completed sale! (oh!)